I have nothing for you…yet!

I would like to congratulate all of you that read my blog. Your life is becoming truly enriched by my on-screen presence, and I feel as if you’re learning things you never would have known. You can thank me when I hit one-hundred posts, and I can thank you (and you can thank me again) TRULY when I hit 100 followers. Why?

I’m thinking that when my blog hits 100+ followers, there should be a little gift for them, like, a prize. Except, not for everyone, because I’m not loaded. It would just be a contest, or a door prize or something. Of course, this is also in the name of advertising, I mean, if I order some coffee mugs and keychains to give you, well, they’ll say My Life In Heartbeats, and possibly even have a witty quote or a URL. Now, mark you, I’m still far off of that goal. I currently have, what…30 followers? Less? Also, for this to happen, I need you to show some devotion. Show me that you want it. Tell me what I’m doing right (or wrong). We all need love, guys. I just need a lot of it, haha.

On to more pressing news.

A California man was discriminated against when he applied for a job at Starbucks. The man was born with half of one of his arms missing, and he states that the company showed blatant discrimination and disrespect for him. He is suing the company for, among many other things, wrongful discrimination and punitive damages. Starbucks replies: You can’t sue us, you only have one and a half arms. We look forward to disarming (no pun intended) your lawsuit.

Kellogg’s cereal company is buying out Pringles. They hope to expand their horizon’s the way they did with ‘Cheezits’ and ‘Special K Cracker Chips’. The company is paying 2.7 billion dollars for this investment and looks forward to a long run with Pringles. Yeah, maybe they can make Pringles cereal, in Pizza, Dill, and original flavour. This should be exciting! The main question being asked is: who is going to be the mascot for Pringles? Will they keep it the same or does Tony the Tiger have another job to support his crack addiction?

Iran’s nuclear scientists are being assassinated, reports ABC News. Fingers pointed to the US when a top Nuclear Scientist was killed by a bomb. Hilary Clinton replies: It wasn’t us, blame the Israeli’s. Fingers are now being pointed towards uprising members of the Israeli culture, because women are always right and we’re all racist.

A hellish fire swept through a prison in Honduras, killing over 300 inmates. Many are missing and presumed dead. The spokesperson for the Comayagua Fire department, Josue Garia, described the event as ‘horrific’. He states that ‘over one hundred inmates were burned to death or suffocated in their cells’. When asked if there had been anything that could have been done, he replied: We couldn’t get them out because we didn’t have the keys and couldn’t find the guard who had them. Of course you couldn’t find the guard, son, he was probably either dead or running from the fire at that point. Police are speculating as to what caused the fire, and can only come up with a possible short circuit or a riot of inmates. Yes, because the inmates wanted to burn to death. Where’s that guard again?

A preschooler got her packed lunch taken from her when a State Worker inspected it and decided it wasn’t nutritious enough. She was then supplemented with the school lunch that day, which just so happened to be chicken nuggets. Makes sense, right? Not if you look at what was in the lunch box. Reports say that the lunch box contained a turkey and cheese sandwich, a banana, an apple juice, and some potato chips. That sounds like a great lunch, very nutritious. The mother of the child was told of the issue and forced to pay the 1.25 for the school lunch, though her daughter only at three chicken nuggets, I’m reporting on this because I feel it is morally wrong to say that school chicken nuggets are good for you.

Let me explain.

This is your precious chicken nuggets before they’re cooked. The process involved mechanically separating chicken and then soaking it in ammonia to get rid of all of the bacteria. Then, it’s flavoured and dyed to look more appealing. Yes, because for me, chicken nuggets that start out looking like strawberry ice cream are appealing.

Quick list of five before I depart.

Five things you don’t say to hopeless romantics on Valentine’s Day.

1. No one loves you.

2. That candy will make you fat, and then you won’t be loved.

3. Valentine’s day is a corporate consumer holiday that forces the responsibility of love onto the men of the world.

4. Did you really pay that much for a stuffed animal?

5. You suck, everyone hates you, go die in a hole.

Kbbbbbaaaiii, love ya!

Wifey, will you be my Valentine?

Today is a joyous day, full of wonder and hope and commercialism. Just gotta love all that pink and red falling through the air, husbands and boyfriends rushing for the perfect gift at the Kwik-Trip, and all those sad, lonely girls who say they hate Valentine’s day.

I don’t personally hate Valentine’s day. I mean, I don’t love it, but if you try hard enough, you can find happiness. Last year, due to my persistence, I happened to have 16 Valentines, and that was loverly. This year, though I’ve dressed like a trampy red and pink hot version of cupid with killer good looks and some really fun candy, I have none (so far).

Which is why the beginning of this blog post is so important (as you can prolly see by the title).

I need to ask a very important question, and it’s just gonna be the best thing ever! Lexi, dear, my WordPress Wifey, I feel as if you need a grand gesture.

Actually, I feel as if you need five, so, we’re going to do the list of five right before we do the political stuffy-stuff.

FIVE GRAND VALENTINE’S DAY GESTURES

1. Say you LUUURRRRVVVVEEEE them. To just say ‘I love you’ or ‘I really care’, is sooo cliche and over the top, so what you have to do is add a semi-British accent and basically drool your luurrrvvee onto their laps. Eww, that sounds nasty, but you guys get my drift. Lexiiiiiii, I LUUURRRRRRVVVEEE you!

2.  Buy them a Zebkey. You know, a Zedonk, a Zonkey. A Donkbra. Who doesn’t want one? I mean, have you seen how damn cute they are? Ohh, you haven’t?

This little guy just makes whoever receives him go:

“Get in my pants, right here, right now. No, not you, Zebkey, I mean the person who gave you to me. But you’re so cute, gootchie gootchie gooooo!”

This image of a Zebkey is my gift to you.

3. Tell them you don’t need to have sex with them on Valentine’s day, but if they wanna, you’ll do whatever. Just be open, free, looser than your mother after birthing you. No, wait, not that last one, the last one is wrong.

Though my sexual prowess is renowned through all 57 and a half states (I’m right, shut up), I’m giving you a choice, dearie. 😉

4. Take back that awkward moment when you just proposed having sex with your WordPress Wifey who is also a total stranger. Because, honestly, you’re trying to be their Valentine, not their creepymccreepertine. That’s only for Halloween.

Okay, sooo…yeah, just…uhmm…sorry. 😉

5. Link their blog. Not just once, but twice. Or maybe three times.

Thee Truth Is

http://www.theetruthis.wordpress.com

http://www.theetruthis.wordpress.com

No variation, but here’s the thing, if you click any one of those links…you may just fall in love. This is a hopeful promise and a desperate warning.

So, Lexi, my WordPress Wifey, my beautiful Wisconsinite who shares my views on life, love, and the end of the world by Sharks and Eels…Will you be my WordPress Valentine?

(If not, there may be some tears and some axe-murdering going on, so you know, it’s your choice…either you be my valentine or hundreds of people will die. Hahahahahahahaha, half kidding <3)

On to more serious matters now.

In a recent study, one in eight voter registrations have errors. Based on a report filed Tuesday, around 24 MILLION voter registrations in the US have HUGE errors, such as maybe…1.8 million people who are dead still included on the rolls, and more than that approved to vote in more than one state. Researchers believe that this is not fraud, simply outdated systems. Yes, and I’m the pope. Come on, people, get real. There’s always going to be conspiracy, and people are always going to be working behind our backs. My guess? 12 million of those errors are either purposeful flaws or spies placed by the government. You may say, Telea, aren’t 1.8 million of those people dead, and won’t that impact your figures? My answer? If the government can hide the larger percent of corporate corruption, it can most CERTAINLY hide its Zombie army.

In Chattanooga Tennessee, evacuations took place in an industrial area after the discovery of an ammonia leak. This leak was reported shortly after 5am today. See how quickly I get the news, kids? Okay, so you said to evacuate? No. Not a chance. I’m gonna just pour some water on the ammonia and get my spring cleaning done.

The New Jersey Senate has okay’d Gay Marriage in face of a veto. The vote came in at 24-16 in favor of the bill. I have nothing funny to say about this, I just wished to express my happiness.

Okay, I’m done now.

Love ya!

It works like this, I say do this, and you ignore. me. Capiche?

Okay, so, humour that appeals to all ages, huh? It just doesn’t exist, but I do happen to be moving towards a slightly more mature take on comedy, and you’re going to have to bear with me here, because I’m not good at changing.

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi’s son was apparently put under house arrest with no access to the outside world. Saadi Gadhafi had promised to make no trouble, which was followed almost directly by a promise to the satellite news network that ‘a new, popular uprising’ was brewing in his home country. To this I say, come on, dude, couldn’t have waited a little longer? I mean, I don’t think people were really all that surprised by this. Maybe if you had waited a few years or…well, actually, maybe if you just hadn’t done anything…it woulda worked out for you. I mean, different lifestyle choices are probably a good idea. After all, dictatorship isn’t for just anyone.

A deaf Pakistani girl was locked in a UK Cellar for nearly a decade, reports Fox News. The woman, finally found, reported to the courts that she had been raped and beaten for nearly ten years, and used as a virtual slave to one Ilyas Ashar and his wife. The couple was accused of false imprisonment, human trafficking, sexual offenses, violence, and benefit fraud. Both have pleaded not guilty to the charges. How do you plead not guilty to that?

Well, one possible defense is: She’s deaf, how would she know? Another is: We thought it was still the middle ages, sooo…that’s legal. One final shot in the dark could be used by the Pakistani couple saying: We didn’t have sex with her, and that’s our daughter.

A british man was arrested recently on charges of animal cruelty after being accused of frying a hamster. Authorities report that they reported to the scene after reports of ‘disorderly conduct’ and ‘drunken behavior’. They then found the creature lying dead in a frying pan on the man’s stove. First off, how does this make top news? Why am I discussing this?  Because Denise Young, a spokeswoman for the animal welfare charity Blue Cross, said

“This is a horrific and tragic incident for both the poor hamster and the owner concerned. We hope that this case is taken as seriously as it deserves to be by the relevant authorities.”

So wait, a ton of people die in the world and you’re…blabbing on about a fried hamster? Damn, you must really hate rednecks, because the way I hear it, they eat Squirrels every morning for breakfast. To quote Seth Green in ‘Without a paddle:

‘Mmm, bacon.’

‘It’s squirrel.’

‘Mmm, Squirrel.’

An Air New Zealand Plane carrying 274 passengers was quarantined after landing at Auckland Airport carrying children with flu-like symptoms. After a few hours, all passengers were released, with assurance from Japan that it was their flu season. Or, you gave them bad peanuts. I mean, if they’re free, who provides that? My best guess is that those peanuts so many passengers adore are the leftovers from downtown bars and strip clubs. Another explanation is that your pilot is really bad at his job, and the turbulence created some airsickness.

Extreme winter weather has been hitting Europe recently. Rare snowstorms and ice storms have trapped people inside their cars, stopped trains, and shut down many other public transport systems. Of course, according to a report of one College student who exchanged to Scotland, if there was a quarter of an inch of snow, you’re weren’t going anywhere. What do the people of the world who actually experience winter say? Serves you right for gloating about your fair weather, bitches! Out here, we’re enjoying a light and breezy 30 degrees, so suck it!

That’s my news for the day, so on to the list of five.

Five things guys should never, EVER do to women.

1. Never scream at us over the phone. We’re supposed to be the over-emotional jackweeds that make your days suck. However, this is preferrable to those times when you make your voice go really low and you sound like a cross between a therapist and a serial killer.

2. Don’t mess around with our faces. I mean, yeah, a couple of gentle strokes is okay, wiping away my tears is fine, but trying to make me look like a monkey or deform my face into a meme will actually end in a situation where you’re the one who’s forever alone.

3. Don’t go to your ex’s house without talking to us. If you don’t tell us about it, we assume you’re cheating, if we assume you’re cheating, you’re fucked, and that’s not in the good way.

4. Don’t instigate sexting. I mean, yeah, you may think it’s kinda whorish if we start, but really? I don’t need to see a picture of your dick, and especially when you haven’t exactly maintained upkeep on the netherregions.

5. Don’t talk sports while you’re making love to me. I mean, generally, don’t start a conversation while having sex, but sports, really? Especially if you’re applying baseball to your love life.

“He’s rounding second, steals third, and it’s a direct home run! Man, that was great hun, I can’t wait until we play football and you tackle my ass.”

Are you gay?

Okay, love ya!