Tag Archives: sexy

The Strip Tease


Welp, this isn’t the one I had been telling you about, it’s just one I made for a fan. The one that I was telling you about still hasn’t been sent to me, so sit tight for that one, dearies!

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As you guys know, I’m a really cool cat who promises things and then forgets about them. Everyone loves me because of this simple yet elegantly ridiculous detail, yet I simply feel your frustrations pouring through your veins when you go to check your email and there isn’t a blog post from the wonderfully witty Telea sitting there waiting for you.

Fear no more! I am here (at least for today), I am queer (or at least Bisexual), and don’t get used to me because apparently I’m flakier than Pillsbury Biscuits.

Anyway, we’re discussing some preeettty cool stuff today. First of all, we’re discussing the fact that yes, I am making Youtube videos again, and if there’s anything you would like to see me do (NO STRIPPING), you can just let me know, and chances are I can mock up something nice and cute and funny. Another question to ask is if you guys like the Vlogs, because if so, I can do a once a week vlog in replacement of that day’s blog. Just say the magic words: Boob Canoe.

We’re actually going to skip the part about Daisies, because I feel they’re over-rated and move straight to the Dad issues. It’s just that sometimes my father and I disagree, and I felt it imperative to let you know that I am less than pleased with his antics of late (and probably vice-versa), so I am avoiding him.

Assassins! Lexi was talking about playing Assassins, and now, I really wanna play!! If there is anyone that reads my blog that lives nearby, you should totally be in on this shit, because I have wanted to play that game since eight years before my own conception, and I am making it a reality, goddamn it!!

On another note, I feel incredibly internet popular. So popular, in fact, that I’ve decided that I have come before the internet.

What does that even mean??

What it means, my dearies, is that I am launching a campaign. From now on, Google will be called Teleagle. Ask Jeeves (I KNOW IT’S CALLED ASK.COM NOW BUT SHUT UP!) will be titled Ask Telea. Finally, all dotcoms will be obliterated. They will now be DotTeleas.

Oh man, I haven’t been on Facebook.Telea in a while. 

Did you see my post on Tumblr.Telea?

God, http://www.Telea.Telea is the BEST.

Orrrr not. But I have dreams, goals, aspirations. One day, I’ll make the Tabloids. One day, I’ll be on the Cover of New York times, with the Header proclaiming: TELEA DODGE, TOO RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME FOR THE WORLD.

Anyway, Lover is coming over, and I must go prepare my genitals (ahem, I mean take a shower). P.S: Lover and I are just friends, bro. No worries.

Note: The post is being stupid and not publishing right. I apologize to the multiple emails you may or may not have received.

Love ya!

I’ve got Skittles in my mouth, wanna get a rainblow?


I’ve gotten a little bit of feedback recently from a few of my readers, and I would like to address this before it’s too late.

A few people have sent me messages saying…

“Don’t you think your blog is a little inappropriate?”

and

“You’re 17 years old, and you’re blogging very sexually. Do you think this is good for your future?”

and

“You’re hott, can I tap that?”

Okay, okay, so that last one I sent to myself, and to respond to all of these questions…

Yes, I do think my blog is a little [bit of a lot of] inappropriate, but come on, I’m a TEENAGER! The thoughts going through my head are as follows.

sex sex sex music sex music school sex sex sex sex fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap sex sex music homework hangout party movies sex sex sex sex sex.

True story. Speaking of sex, we just faked my friend’s death with this Spanking Shakespeare thing, and the results were…ridiculous.

World-renowned Locomotive Engineer Kade Louis Antczak died today in a hospital in Prairie Farm. Doctors are still unsure of what exactly caused the death, but believe it was due to complications after Kade Louis Antczak came too fast and suffered pains in his dick. He was 69 years old.

 Kade Louis Antczak was a shitty person, who enjoyed everything about life. He was known for his passion for Tacos, which he often ate 21 times a day. He loved to share Tacos with everyone, and would even offer Tacos to strangers. Kade Louis Antczak also enjoyed traveling, especially to historical landmarks, and loved meeting people around the world. On his trip to Austin, Texas he even met the president (and yes, he offered him Tacos). After meeting him, Kade Louis Antczak said the President was glorified.

 Kade Louis Antczak is survived by his partner Telea, their 14 children, and their pet Pushmi-pullyou named Kawit.

 

Well, that was awkward. Now you know THAT story. If you would like to generate your own death, the link is…

http://www.randomhouse.com/teens/spankingshakespeare

In response to the other two questions…

The world is a very sexual place, and the thing is, the tolerance for sexual behavior…well, let’s just say everyone is getting stupider, mmmkay?

To the third question: Yes, me, I’d do me anytime. *Winkyface*

Let’s move on to pressing business. Music.

This song. THIS SONG!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8y0w91ehIo

I, admittedly, was watching an episode of Pretty Little Liars when I heard this, but it really doesn’t matter where you heard the song as long as you found it and fell in love with it.

I would just like to say that I am a huge music freak and I pretty much orgasm when I find good music, sooo…awkward.

My list of five today is titled…

“Situations that everyone thinks are awkward, but really aren’t that awkward.”

1. When someone makes a dick joke and it was totally gross. Everyone gets real quiet and goes

‘That was just too far’

But was it, was it really? Well, NO. Lay off your pretentious behavior and just laugh, because you know you wanna.

2. Running into your ex with another person in public. You may be going…

‘Ohh damn, I had really hoped not to see him/her/it and his/hers/it’s FAVORITE restaurant, and now it’s awkward.’

I would just go right up to that Sexy SOB and congratulate him/her/it. It’s all good. We’re just people, ya know? Trying to live our lives.

3. When someone you don’t like starts talking to you on facebook and you are forced to make awkward conversation.

I have three words for you right now.

Block that bitch.

4. When you’re about to kiss someone and you realize they either have bad breath or a terrible kissing habit (such as drooling). You’re freaking out going:

‘I don’t know what to do! I really like him/her/it, but this breath is bad. Should I offer them a breath mint?’

Just full out pull away, drag them to the bathroom, and run scalding water over their face. It’s not awkward because it’s for their own good.

5. You accidentally had sex with your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend/itfriend. You’re freaking out, like…

‘Oh my god, they’re gonna kill me, and every time I see their bf/gf/if, it’s gonna be really awkward.’

Nooooo, just stay chill and start laying out the groundwork for a threeway. Done.

Okay, that’s it for today, love ya!

If somehow I managed to die…


I think the first thing that I need to state before we start is that I am absolutely incapable of death. True story. I can’t die.

Don’t believe me? Well, then you’re just a butt, because those who read my blog are supposed to believe EVERYTHING I post without any doubt in their pretty little heads.

Translation:

“I don’t die and you’re stupid.”

Wait…

Okay, lemme take that back, process it a little, and then throw it out there again.

“I CAN’T die, and you’re still stupid.”

Let’s move on before I hurt your feeling for real. The topic of the day is actually two things!

Topic number one is CHRISTMAS! (Why it’s completely ridiculous)

Topic number two…Look at the title.

Christmas is a consumer holiday based off of everything wrong in this world. Our countdown to Christmas on this blog is actually a statement every day that I blog on all the reasons why I just hate Christmas.

Actually, that’s an overstatement. I don’t hate. The main problem I have with Christmas is that it turned from this religious thing to this thing about family, and then it transformed after that to a celebration of money and spending it. That’s so dumb! I mean, sure, I love giving and getting presents, but they shouldn’t be about the cost, and you shouldn’t lie that Santa brought them. We are all just pulled into this SCAM and I’m sick of it.

To conclude, I want all the Transformers movies, a 500 dollar Hot Topic or Spencers gift card, a Ferrari California, free gas for the rest of my life, and 1,000,000 hits on all my Youtube videos. Please and THANK YOU!

Oh, since we’re talking about Youtube videos, my sister and I made a mega-legit one…kinda. Here’s the link!

T-Dog got a bad Lady! Skype Date gone wrong!

Haha, sorry for the bad quality, it was filmed on my little shit of a phone.

SECOONNNDDDDD TOPPPICCCCC!

If I somehow managed to die…these are things I would want to say before I did.

1.) I pooped today.

2.) There are few things in life that are precious, and now there will be one less.

3.) Please don’t eat my corpse.

4.) You could have stopped this. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

5.) Now I finally get to see Ironhide.

If I somehow managed to die and become a zombie or undead creature…these are the things I would want to say to the living.

1.) Does this shirt make me look dead?

2.) I’m sorry I shit on your lawn.

3. Hey, wait, does this mean I don’t have to dress up for Halloween anymore?

4. I pooped today.

5. If you promise not to hit me, I promise not to eat you.

If I somehow managed to die and end up in a heaven for ants…these are the things I would want to say (If I could speak antish)

1. I AM YOUR DEMON OVERLORD!

2. This food is bite-sized.

3. So, really? Your heaven is just the real world without insecticides and with more food? Aim higher next time. Oh, wait, you can’t. Coz you’re an ant.

4. What do you guys call Jesus?

5. I pooped today.

If I somehow managed to die and go to hell…these are the bargains I would make with the devil.

1. Let me poop today.

2. If you give me five more years of happiness and wealth and attractiveness and GREAT SEX on earth, I won’t take your throne.

3. Hey, my shoes aren’t shiny enough, put a little elbow grease in there.

4. Stop kissing my ass and I’ll consider letting you be my understudy.

5. Spend a week with my sister and TELL ME you’re not scared she’s gonna kill us all.

If I somehow managed to die and decompose the way scientists say it’ll happen…these are the things I would say if my jaw wasn’t rotting off.

1. HAH, and all you other suckers believed in Jesus!

2. I don’t wanna go like this, I might get dirty!

3. Oh, you maggot, that tickles!

4. Shoulda gotten cremated.

5. I involuntarily ejected anal waste today.

THAT CONCLUDES THE MONDAY BLOG! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

See you tomorrow, or something!

 

“Basically, he said he loved Orphans in a very sexual manner.”


Let’s sit down and have a little chat right now. For real, let’s have a little talk about little talks. No, we have something real to discuss. Something scary, something involving the aforementioned (as in ‘past blog posts’) Kyle. This is a serious thing, so you need to PAY ATTENTION!

Alice: I’m a Loli.

Kyle: Uhhh

Alice: A Lolita?

Kyle: Uhhhh…

(Bonehead)

Alice: Kind of a person who looks like they’re younger than they are, but is still really attractive.”

Kyle: Ohh, so like an ORPHAN!

Me: Wait, what?! Did you just say you were ATTRACTED to orphans? Because when I think orphan, I think little kid. OR! I think movie about a girl who is really like, 30 years old and a total psychopath, sooo, which did you mean? Either way, I think you need some SERIOUS help. Mmmkay?

Moving on, this is a really short blog post today so DON’T JUDGE ME!

This saturday should bring some more videos I believe, but they may not be the most well-planned things ever.

Okay, goodbye, I love you, okay? ❤

Those days when you look HELLA sexy


We all have some really shitty days. Usually, when one has a shitty day, it turns into a shitty week, then a shitty fortnight. It’s SUPER shitty! There is a bright side to all of this. Karma has to balance somehow, right?

This balance comes when one morning, you wake up, get ready like normal, and for some reason just look SUPER hot!! That has happened to me today, and the main problem with this is the fact that, other than finishing out my school day, I have NO WHERE to go today. No one sexy to see, no hot guys to hit on this fine piece of face.

Damn.

On the bright side, I’m totally gonna look hot tomorrow. How can I tell? I ALWAYS look hot on dance competition days. I HAVE to. I’m the manager for my school’s dance team and it is my job to give pep talks to the girls, apply their make-up, cheer a lot, smile a lot, and field any questions posed by ridiculously attractive males that want mine and the dance teams’ number.

Except here’s the thing. I ‘mysteriously lose’ all of their numbers and OOPS! Just gotta give him mine.

This hasn’t happened. I have never seen one ridiculously attractive male at a dance competition, but I have hope.

I also have to look hella sexy because I GET TO SEE THIS REALLY HOT GUY TOMORROW AND HE’S MY FUTURE HUSBAND BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW IT YET!

Haha, I would tell you the story, but that would jinx it, so you get to hear allllll about it on either Sunday or Monday.

Sooo, on sexy days, I ALWAYS put on jeans, because for some reason, when my face looks good, I get the feeling that my ass should look good as well. I’m wearing Jeggings today, they have sexy pockets. Yuhmm.

I am super mad about something, and I want to discuss it, even though it’s a really deep subject and I really don’t want to bore you.

Frac Sand Mining.

Fuck it.

In our area, there are a lot of prospective mines, and it’s really frustrating because all of these companies are moving in and going:

“We wish to contaminate the air with Silica dust. We wish to tear up your beautiful land. We wish to absolutely destroy the water table, causing your delicious water that is full of delicious minerals to become polluted and gross. We wish to do this for our own personal gain, because we are greedy bastards.”

Ohkay, so that’s not what they’re saying out loud, but it’s totally what’s going on. I was really happy a couple of weeks ago, because the company called ProCore pulled out of mining over 160 acres of land within 15 miles of my house. If they had mined that land, a very good friend of mine and his family would have been forced to move out of the house they built less than 8 years ago after their old house burnt to the ground.

Now, my neighbor, who lives less than a mile from my house is said to be contracting with a Frac Sand Company. We can’t be sure, because there’s a nondiscretion policy and so we won’t find out about it until all the contracts are signed and the mine is being put into the ground.

If this mine goes in, we may be forced to leave our home of almost 15 years. I would bawl my eyes out.

If you don’t know what Frac Sand Mining is, I have links that I will provide.

Here is a description of the health risks posed by Frac Sand Mining.

Airborne problems related to frac sand mining are numerous and severe. The potential for harmful, or even deadly, exposure is great, and may extend for many miles beyond the location where the mining operation takes place. According to the website of Friends of Mill and Piney Creeks (Arkansas), “Crystalline silica is a basic component of soil, sand, granite, and many other minerals. Silica laden material can break down into particles small enough to inhale when workers chip, cut, drill, or grind it. This is exactly what happens during frac sand mining.” This problem also extends to workers on a frac site where the sand is being used as a proppant when mixed with water and frac chemicals for injection into a well bore. In cases where the drilling site is adjacent to residential property this risks exposure of entire neighborhoods, especially those immediately downwind of the drilling site.

 According to a disclaimer from FlexFrac Proppant Sand Suppliers in Richardson, Texas, its products “contain respirable crystalline silica, which is considered by some sources to be a cause of cancer and can lead to death. Failure to adhere to our warnings, MSDS and handling instructions may lead to serious personal injury or death.” This fine particulate material can be carried by winds more than 20 miles from the site of the mining operation, and injuring or killing people far removed from the mining area.

Obviously, workers at a frac sand mining site are the most prone to hazardous exposure, but they are hardly the only ones at risk. Nearby residents, pets, livestock and wildlife also are at risk of harmful exposure. In addition to the risk to people from airborne contaminants carried by the wind, there is also the issue of exposure caused by transportation of frac sand by truck or rail hundreds of miles away from a mining operation. Unfortunately, few would ever have a clue from where their exposure came, or who was responsible for it.

Crystalline silica has been classified by the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH), the EPA and CDC as a human lung carcinogen.

SHIT JUST GOT REAL ALL UP IN HERE!

I have for you today a very legitimate link to find out all about frac sanding.

http://wisair.wordpress.com/frac-sand-mining-in-wisconsin/

Okay, I’m out.