Tag Archives: sex

The Cutest Girl and Becoming More Open


Okay, so there’s this girl. And she is just so cute. And I want to flirt with her and be all cheesy and stuff but I feel intimidated because when she flirts it is just the cutest and most classy flirting ever and I feel like just coming out and saying: ‘I want to kiss your face a lot’ isn’t going to work well for me.

Or maybe it would but I’m just too shy.

What we’re here to talk about today is my sexuality, because it is something I haven’t necessarily addressed but I think you guys all know what’s up on that level. Hello, I am Telea, and I do not allow sex or gender to define the person that I crush on/love. It’s really easy to just label me as Bisexual because that is a term most people can understand, but I don’t feel as if it fully covers who I am.

Why we’re talking about this is because I had forgotten that almost nobody I knew was actually sure about who I liked and ‘what team I was playing for’, and then I posted a status asking how to flirt with a cute girl and people went a little bit crazy.

Now, there have always been rumors that I, Telea, am a big fan of the female anatomy and nothing but. However, though it is true that I do love me some women, I also love me some everything else. Well, I mean, human-wise.

So I decided recently that I was just going to be open about the fact that I am attracted to who I am attracted to, regardless of gender, sex (yes, those are two different things, in case some of you didn’t know that), weight, age (I mean, to an extent), race, height, looks, or any other physically defining factor.

Yes, I will admit that I am a sucker for really nice butts and I am not the only person in the world who does not recognize good-looking people. Like, oh my gosh, I recognize them and I salute them. But the point I would make is that my idea of what an attractive person is has a much wider variety than what television and media shows us is attractive.

For example, I generally would rather date a girl who was 250 pounds and a little chubby but ate right and had respect for herself than a 120 pound gorgeously-built athlete who vastly restricted her diet and thought that she wasn’t good enough.

I would rather date a ‘heavy-set’ dude who was funny and intelligent than an abular babe-like beach body who really didn’t have much going for him. 

I think the biggest problem in society is that we as a society have set unreachable standards that beautiful people feel they cannot fit into. People kill themselves trying to conform to these standards to be the vision of attractiveness when really, is it just me, or would I make out with all of you?

So now that I’m just about finished with my little rant on beauty, I want to let you know that I would probably think you were beautiful if you possessed a few simple characteristics. 

1. You are intelligent. Intelligence is like, this gigantic turn-on for me, and I would like to mention that school should pay you to be highly educated because damn, intelligence is dwindling and I can’t get me no stupid life mate. It’s just not gonna work.

2. You have a sense of humor. This isn’t necessary to me liking someone, but I am a total goofball and I make a lot of smart jokes and I make a lot of really stupid jokes and it would work so much better if you understood/laughed at/made those jokes.

3. You are loving and accepting of everyone who deserves love and acceptance. This is HUGE. I do not condone Racism, Sexism, Homophobia, or any other kind of hate against people that you find to be ‘different’ from you. People are people, and a good person can come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, races, sexualities, genders, etc. 

4. You eat good food. I don’t care if you’re thin or fat or anything as long as you have a healthy diet. Junk food is awesome but I can’t get diggety-down with someone who eats it all the time because I will always be fearing for their health. It’s true that I am a sucker for high-calorie things like pizza (Oh my, I could really go for some of that right now), french fries, ice cream, etc, but I infuse my diet with tons of fresh fruit, vegetables, yogurt, etc. It’s basically a taking care of yourself thing. If you can’t respect your body and treat it right, I can’t really respect you as much. This also means that keeping your body clean is awesome. You don’t have to shave or put on fragrance, just stay clean.

5. Last but not least, I am so into people who can snuggle really well. I mean, snuggling is key in any relationship. Snuggling makes everything feel so much better and since anyone and everyone can snuggle, I just go for the people that have talent at it. Which is a LOT of people.

So, I guess my ideal mate is smart, funny, accepting, , smells good/is clean, eats good food, and snuggles. Oh, and likes adventures. They have to have a sense of adventure. Other than that, I don’t care if you’re a fat gamer nerd or a skinny porn addict (but I mean, you have to like me more than porn). It just doesn’t matter. Love is love and should not be tampered with or categorized.

So there’s my rant about my sexuality, which turned into me telling you that you’re probably all beautiful and please love me.

I’m off to go figure out how to flirt with this girl and maybe sell my body for enough money to buy her nice things.

Love ya!

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House Painting, being an Olympic Swimmer, and Dr. Horrible


So, I hate it when my friends are feeling down or when something bad happens to them. That’s why I’m beginning this blog post with a shout out to the incredibly lovely Lexi, who is strong, brave, compassionate, amazing, beautiful, and, ultimately, under-appreciated.

She had a really rough patch today, as those of you who read her blog know. I’m happy that she is trying to bounce back from it, but I also want to let her know that I love and support her, and that she can talk to me if she ever needs to. I love you, Lexi.

On to orders of business about my day. I woke up early to go to work (I know, crazy, right?) with my father who offered me a day-long job. It was a painting job, so we were doing the entire upstairs of a rental house (in a very colorful state), painting it white with brown trim.

The creativity died in me a little today, along with my energy and cleanliness, but all of my debts are now paid off with a little extra money to spare. Yes, yes, I am proud of me.

I also got to go to lunch with dad, where I was told by a very old lady that I looked exactly like an Olympic swimmer. God, that made me feel good. I wish I was an Olympic swimmer!

I watched Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog today. It always makes me happysadconfusedhappyfeelterriblehappysademotionalhappysad.

So, pretty much…that was my day. I am now watching the Olympics, filled with all those dirty, dirty semi-gods who have dirty, dirty sexual encounters in the Olympians Village.

Oh, you know what I’m talking about. You know.

Love ya!

Let’s get a little bit Tantric!


I’m a promoter of awesome, a doer of good, a preventer of HIV/AIDS. Okay, let’s have a little chat about safe sex, because I feel as if it’s only right to inform you that the world isn’t all about boobs and butts and dicks and air planes, there’s something more. Condoms.

Don’t be silly, wrap your willy.

Cover your joker before you poke her!

Sex is fun when you’re using ONE!

YES, I AM PROMOTING! Let’s talk about a new (kinda?) like of ONE Condoms, titled Tantric Pleasures! I’m doing this because guess what?

I want to have a condom mural on my bedroom door (and a hundred chances for safe sex), and by completing orders, I can have free condoms. TRUE STORY!

Okay, so my plea is for you guys to get more involved! Get your community aware of One Condoms! Get your local stores to stock Tantric Pleasures! Get the word our there, son! It’s gonna be soooo great!

If you wish to learn more about ONE Condoms, visit this webpage!

http://onecondoms.com/

Join now, and become ONE!

Haha, okay, moving on. I think this theme happens to have to be about safe sex, but let’s get one or two little pieces of news in here, to satisfy your urges for the real and not-so-great!

A DC Man’s joking license plates have gotten him SERIOUS fines. His plates, laughingly titled ‘NO TAGS’ bring in hundreds of tickets that total over 20,000 dollars. He states that every few months, he has to go get all of these tickets cleared. Why is this going on? When someone gets a ticket for not having proper tags on their vehicle, their charges are put in the computer as ‘no tags’, which eventually gets re-routed back to the guy who so cunningly labelled his car with the same logo. I don’t really feel much need to make this funnier than this already is, so I have a really important question.

Does that mean the people get away without a ticket? Is he like, their cover man? I think everyone is starting to like this guy.

Watch your wheat products! Many wheat products that are sold at stores contain the ingredient L-cysteine, a non-essential Amino Acid. Why are we worried? Well, it may or may not be the fact that L-Cysteine is made out of dissolved duck feathers and human hair (generally from China). So, you want to avoid that? Well, this will also make you healthier! Try eating unprocessed grains. I know, gross, right? Not really, not as gross as committing yourself to Cannibalism.

Okay list of five!

Five things to say to your significant other to delay having sex.

1. Girl: I’m on my period. Guy: Doesn’t matter, let’s have sex.

2. Girl: I got raped, so I’m a little touchy. Guy: Doesn’t matter, let’s have sex.

3. Girl: I don’t wanna get pregnant. Guy: If you get pregnant, I’m SO not helping you out, but…let’s still have sex.

4. Girl: Can I just blow you instead? Guy: Orrr…we could have sex.

5. Girl: I’m a lesbian. Guy: So get your girlfriend and let’s have SEX!

DONE!

Love ya!

Shorties for life! (Or just for today)


This is short. I have to go practice for my WSMA Audition, so I don’t have time to dally in study hall this morning. My list for you just so happens to be…

Five reasons why girls are total bitches.

1. Of course, you’re gonna say number one is going to have something to do with the fact that girls have to bleed OUT OF THEIR VAGINAS for 2-9 days one time a month. YOU’RE TOTALLY RIGHT! If you’re a guy and you’re looking at this screen thinking you wouldn’t be in a bad mood if your dick was spurting blood, you need to check yourself before I wreck you.

2. Girls have breasts. Before I begin, yes, I do realize that some men have breasts too, but let me explain the difference. Man boobs are made out of too much muscle or too much fat. Woman boobs are made out of a material that just so happens to HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER every time we run, jump, climb, etc. To make matters worse, on the days we bleed out of our vaginas, our boobs are so tender they can feel it when you drop a pin on the ground 15 feet away.

3.  Girls have been discriminated against for years. If that wouldn’t put you in a bad mood, I don’t know what would.  I mean, really, most historical documents don’t even say woman in them. It’s as if the women who cook, clean, bleed out their vaginas, have boobs, and BIRTH THE NEXT GENERATION never existed.

4. Girls don’t look awesome with huge muscles. How is this fair? What if I want to be the next heavyweight boxing champion? Well, that’s not gonna happen, you know why? Because I would just so happen to scare any potential mates away. Remember the girl rule? Never date someone with smaller thighs than you. Well, if my thighs just so happen to look like really muscular tanned tree trunks, I’m not gonna be in the market for anything less than a man of ‘Incredible Hulk’ proportions.

5. Women can’t play professional football. Do I really need to elaborate on this, or are you seething with rage already?

That’s it for today!

Love ya!

I’ve got Skittles in my mouth, wanna get a rainblow?


I’ve gotten a little bit of feedback recently from a few of my readers, and I would like to address this before it’s too late.

A few people have sent me messages saying…

“Don’t you think your blog is a little inappropriate?”

and

“You’re 17 years old, and you’re blogging very sexually. Do you think this is good for your future?”

and

“You’re hott, can I tap that?”

Okay, okay, so that last one I sent to myself, and to respond to all of these questions…

Yes, I do think my blog is a little [bit of a lot of] inappropriate, but come on, I’m a TEENAGER! The thoughts going through my head are as follows.

sex sex sex music sex music school sex sex sex sex fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap sex sex music homework hangout party movies sex sex sex sex sex.

True story. Speaking of sex, we just faked my friend’s death with this Spanking Shakespeare thing, and the results were…ridiculous.

World-renowned Locomotive Engineer Kade Louis Antczak died today in a hospital in Prairie Farm. Doctors are still unsure of what exactly caused the death, but believe it was due to complications after Kade Louis Antczak came too fast and suffered pains in his dick. He was 69 years old.

 Kade Louis Antczak was a shitty person, who enjoyed everything about life. He was known for his passion for Tacos, which he often ate 21 times a day. He loved to share Tacos with everyone, and would even offer Tacos to strangers. Kade Louis Antczak also enjoyed traveling, especially to historical landmarks, and loved meeting people around the world. On his trip to Austin, Texas he even met the president (and yes, he offered him Tacos). After meeting him, Kade Louis Antczak said the President was glorified.

 Kade Louis Antczak is survived by his partner Telea, their 14 children, and their pet Pushmi-pullyou named Kawit.

 

Well, that was awkward. Now you know THAT story. If you would like to generate your own death, the link is…

http://www.randomhouse.com/teens/spankingshakespeare

In response to the other two questions…

The world is a very sexual place, and the thing is, the tolerance for sexual behavior…well, let’s just say everyone is getting stupider, mmmkay?

To the third question: Yes, me, I’d do me anytime. *Winkyface*

Let’s move on to pressing business. Music.

This song. THIS SONG!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8y0w91ehIo

I, admittedly, was watching an episode of Pretty Little Liars when I heard this, but it really doesn’t matter where you heard the song as long as you found it and fell in love with it.

I would just like to say that I am a huge music freak and I pretty much orgasm when I find good music, sooo…awkward.

My list of five today is titled…

“Situations that everyone thinks are awkward, but really aren’t that awkward.”

1. When someone makes a dick joke and it was totally gross. Everyone gets real quiet and goes

‘That was just too far’

But was it, was it really? Well, NO. Lay off your pretentious behavior and just laugh, because you know you wanna.

2. Running into your ex with another person in public. You may be going…

‘Ohh damn, I had really hoped not to see him/her/it and his/hers/it’s FAVORITE restaurant, and now it’s awkward.’

I would just go right up to that Sexy SOB and congratulate him/her/it. It’s all good. We’re just people, ya know? Trying to live our lives.

3. When someone you don’t like starts talking to you on facebook and you are forced to make awkward conversation.

I have three words for you right now.

Block that bitch.

4. When you’re about to kiss someone and you realize they either have bad breath or a terrible kissing habit (such as drooling). You’re freaking out going:

‘I don’t know what to do! I really like him/her/it, but this breath is bad. Should I offer them a breath mint?’

Just full out pull away, drag them to the bathroom, and run scalding water over their face. It’s not awkward because it’s for their own good.

5. You accidentally had sex with your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend/itfriend. You’re freaking out, like…

‘Oh my god, they’re gonna kill me, and every time I see their bf/gf/if, it’s gonna be really awkward.’

Nooooo, just stay chill and start laying out the groundwork for a threeway. Done.

Okay, that’s it for today, love ya!

Let’s talk about SEX!


The time comes in young man or woman’s life when they hear about sex, have sex, or walk in on someone else having sex. Of course, you should always be prepared, even if you have no idea in hell what sex even is.

I myself found out about sex when I was a wee tot, around 6 or 7 years old, and basically I discovered that it was the main propaganda in almost everything out there. This changed my life completely. I can’t even begin to describe to you how much The Lion King ended up looking like a porno to me.

Also, the fact that The Lion King is just a cheap knock-off of Hamlet except really cute with cute little animations that are just CUTE. No, I haven’t seen that movie in a while, but the last time I saw it, we discussed sex and Hamlet the whole time and barely paid attention to the actual movie.

Now, the reason why we are actually discussing sex today is that it’s EVERYWHERE, so now it has to be on my blog for everyone to see and judge me on, because that is how life and the internet works, and frankly, that can be kind of cool and kind of scary sometimes. I would like you to note that I’m not really the highly educated sex expert of the century. Dude, not even of the day. In fact, I’m prolly in the lower percentile for my school.

WHO CARES? I CAN WING IT AND WRITE FREESTYLE AND JUST DO STUFF!

I mean, it’s not like I haven’t seen any porn…I was exposed to Two Girls, One Cup at a VERY inappropriate age.

Before we continue on, I hope you guys have taken the time to go check out my Youtube channel, because it’s pretty legit, and now has A WHOLE SEVEN VIDEOS!

I promise there will be more. In case you didn’t see the link before on my last post, you can view my channel here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/mylifeinheartbeats/feed?filter=2

Also, I set up a Twitter account because if I get famous, everyone will want to know exactly where I am or what my poop looked like today. Also, people got super sick of me posting facebook statuses all the time, and so NOW most of those statuses will be on Twitter instead of Facebook. YAY FOR BRANCHING OUT TO THE MOST RIDICULOUS HOST OF SOCIAL NETWORKING EVER!

Now back on topic.

Sex. Sex sex sex sex sxxity sex sex.

What is it?

If you can read this blog, you know what sex is. If not, though, we here at Telea Inc. believe that sex education should be left to your parents. If you have no parents, talk to your health care provider. If you are homeless, you probably aren’t reading this blog anyway. If you are homeless and reading this blog post from the free internet at your local library, well, ask the bum who’s nursing his alcohol addiction that shares a box with you. Chances are that he got kicked out of his house for having an affair with his wife anyway.

So, we’re just gonna make vague sexual references until I get bored or the computer dies or I get really bored.

Sex is like the cherry on top of a cupcake. You don’t need it, really, but the thing is, it’s always a nice surprise. Unless that cherry is just too sweet and you get an upset stomach and this is just a reference to pregnancy.

You may ask:

“What if I’m allergic to cherries?”

YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO SEX?!?!?

I’m sorry, but I would now like to let you know that you are a defect and a waste of air, and the best plan of action would be just to kill yourself now.

Just kidding, just join a work force. We need workers.

But really, if someone is allergic to sexual intercourse, well, I’m really sad for you right now. I mean, not that I know much about it, but I’ve heard it’s a very pleasant experience to have on multiple occasions, whether spaced apart or in very consecutive segments.

Okay, finishing up, I would just like to say that if you are a cool cat (which you totally are), not only will you not be allergic to sex, but also, you will follow my blog (this) my twitter (MLIHeartbeats), my youtube (http://www.youtube.com/user/mylifeinheartbeats/feed?filter=2), my message inbox (poisontheperfect@gmail.com), or my Tumblr (I’ll give you the link later).

Okay, sooo, I love you guys verily much and I want YOU to tell me what you think about sex…

Or something.

MMMMkay?

“Roses are red, violets are blue, take your fucking pants off.”

Dont’cha wish your girlfriend was Telea? That’s me!


image

Here I am, sitting at my local high school, behind a table, selling bracelets.

Why?

Because I’m fucking awesome, that’s why!

Okay, so I’m hanging stag, which, in case you didn’t know, means all alone. To top it all off, I really needta pee.

It’s okay, because I’m rockingvout to Dubstep and I have sold three bracelets so far. It’s a pretty dang legit deal.

There’s a basketball double-header going down and I do not get to watch it based on the fact that I am selling bracelets.

Topic, topic, topic…

Oh yeah, today I’m blogging on the reasons why I would make about the best girlfriend ever, butvpeople do not wish to date me or my pretty face.

I am just a fantastic dancer! Except I’m not really, I can just do a cartwheel into the splits and that is all. Oh wait, I can pelvic thrust like a champ!

I know the dewey decimal system INTIMATELY! …I have no snarky followup to this. That’s a fact, I’m a library nerd.

You want me!

I have great hair. Well, it’s thick and shiny, but for real, I can do nothing with it. I take my straightener to it some days screaming:

“Die, bitch, DIE!”

True story.

I sing well. But I do it ALL the time. Legitly, between talking and singing, I NEVER shut up. Okay, so that is an overstatement.

I’m never afraid to be myself. That one is up in the air for good or bad. I mean, it’s got its perks, but it REALLY scares some people away.

I’m not a reliable blogger. Ooohhh that’s one. Blogging guys DO NOT like blogger girls who are unreliable. It kinda says something about the whole fucking relationship, doesn’t it.

Well, you got a rrrreeeealllyyyy long post and hated it, so shut up and figure out what the hell you really want from me.

I have a short story of my life to share in childrens form.

This is a fish.

Her name is Telea.

She’s gonna get flushed down the toilet.

All fishes go to heaven.

Except Telea.

She just goes in the septic tank.

The end.

The moral is that Telea’s afterlife will be shit. Why? Because the bible says I’m a sinner. Okay kids?

P.S, I’m not really a fish.

So, in conclusion, I’m a loud, independent, curious, talented, strong fish girl. Ohhhhh. THAT’S why boys don’t like me.

Feel the BURN!

SORRY. That is all you get for a blog today.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, take your pants off.”

-TEELLLLLEEEAAAA