My love! The reason I survive. Because while I’m terrible at keeping up normal sleeping hours or even sleeping at all during the night, naps have saved me. They are my salvation. They are my God, Yes, napping is a religion.
Let’s talk about this. You all know I’m not a man of religion. It’s true, I breathe air, I pray to Asgard when things get tough, and I believe in The Doctor. I’m told that this is not religion. I’m even told that this could be considered as heresy.
First off, just because my religion isn’t your doesn’t mean it’s not real. When you die you go to heaven? When I die, I wake up in my real body imprisoned at the castle in Asgard, where I am broken out by Loki and then kidnapped by the Doctor for various adventures whilst the body I thought was mine decomposes beneath the ground and reminds me of a life that was a dream.
Or something along those lines. So you could say I’m a man of religion, though we’re not actually discussing my true beliefs. What we’re discussing is my best-case scenario for when I have that awful disease called ‘Being Dead’. Why are we not discussing my true beliefs?
Partially because it’s not considered polite company to speak of your God. Did you know that? It’s a true story. But mostly (because we know I’m not of polite company anyway) because it’s hard to talk about something that I’m not sure exists. Well, I mean, it’s simple to do that, but when it comes to religion, putting my words into something comprehensible is impossible.
We can simply say, for the sake of your curiosity, that I do have faith. It is not, however, invested in any God or Deity or Holy Object etc. that one would know about. It is simply faith. It’s like keeping a one hundred dollar bill in your wallet instead of investing it in a bank or pyramid scheme.
Though it’s risky to do so, I prefer to know exactly where my 100 bucks is, rather than trusting in something that is only firm and absolute in the here and now. That is my faith.
Anyway, back to the religion of napping. Let’s say I take my money out of my pocket and put it under my mattress. I still know where it is and it’s less likely to randomly disappear because of a clothing malfunction or a thief. Even better, I take that money, cut a hole in my mattress, and then guard it with my life during the daytime hours.
That is my faith in napping. I have complete faith that, after 50 hours of not sleeping at all, a nap will make me feel at least a little bit better. I also have faith that if I nap under the right conditions, my dreams will not be haunted by evil. You have faith that your prayers will be heard and your life will be happier? I have faith that naps at the appropriate time will herald dreams of rainbows and butterflies and snuggling and bacon rather than hospitals, slides that never end, and my vision of the world in 50 years.
To sum it all up: If you love the big JC, kudos to you, buddy. However, it will not be JC that pulls the covers over me ten minutes from now and turns out the light and it sure as hell won’t be him screaming at me to wake up three hours from now. No, that will be the Dark Lord Satan, reminding me that napping comes with a price that I was all too willing to pay.