Monthly Archives: January 2013

The End of January

If you think about it, every month could be a world, and so a world could end every time the clock struck midnight on the last day of the year. It’s like how different life forms can have shorter lives. Imagine living an entire lifetime in a month. Or a week. Or a day. 

This is sometimes how I feel about the months that pass. Like some part of me is born and some part of me dies at the turn of every month. It’s not a bad thing, but sometimes I find myself drenched in sadness at the end of a month, wondering what part of me I might lose. 

It’s not like this huge part of me. It’s just some tiny part of me that I lose when the month passes. Maybe I think about it too much, or maybe other people think about it too little. I mean, if you can shed thousands of skins cells in a day, can’t you shed some internal part of yourself in a month?

It’s kind of beautiful, right? We’re always changing and leaving part of us behind, which is why sometimes I’m glad I post a blog, because I don’t feel like I’m losing so much when I can write down everything.

I don’t take advantage of that enough. I write about silly things a lot because I’m avoiding those things, and then I lose them and I wonder what happened. What happened is that sometimes we disregard the most real parts of us because we’re scared, and we’re both relieved and saddened when we lose those parts of ourselves.

Or am I just rambling?

Love ya!


The Minor Details

Yesterday, I went for fingerprinting and my meeting with a Probation Officer. They gave me a really long list of rules for things I could and couldn’t do, and it’s pretty traumatizing. I’m not going to go into it, because it’s simply depressing, but there are a lot of things that I will have to give up for the next year.

It’s going to be a hard year, but these sacrifices I’m making will only be temporary and I can only hope that things will get better as time passes. 

Some things will change when I have my official meeting with the Probation Officer that is now assigned to me. There’s this list of ‘Probation for Sex Offender’ rules that I’m on because the original charge was ‘Lewd and Lascivious Behavior’. This includes not talking to minors, which is really difficult when over half of my friends are under the age of eighteen.

I also have to have permission from my Probation worker to stay over at someone’s house or have anyone stay over here. The lady I talked to yesterday said that most of those rules wouldn’t be applicable to me, seeing as how I’m only eighteen and a student, and they’re just cover rules.

I still have to abide by them until next Friday when I have my first meeting. I can’t even go practice music with Alexa or chill with Kresha or anything. It’s all this ship that seems to have sunk. So, since I can’t make plans (and I apparently now have an enforced curfew?) for the next week, I’m going to be slamming my studies.

I’m going to start with my Spanish class. I think I’ll take that sucker out in a matter of a couple of weeks so I never have to worry about it again. And then onto Art and Music Appreciation courses and my second section of Creative Writing. It’s all very intense.

Anyway, tonight is my last free night (as dictated by yours truly), and so I shall spend it watching ‘The Walking Dead’ and possibly crying. However, I’ve decided that this is also my last night of self-pity for a while. I have a sentence to face and I’m not going to allow my depression to get the best of me.

I’m going to power through this year, yeah? So look forward to some upbeat writing, because in the next few weeks, some serious changes are going to take place.

Love ya!

My Heart Will (Not?) Go On

As many of you know, my heart is in Minnesota. As fewer of you probably know, I was planning on moving there this year after graduating. As more of you know, I went to court yesterday. This is where the heartbreak begins.

The good news is that, providing I’m good and all, I will have a completely expunged record by this time next year.

The bad news is that I am not allowed to leave the state of Wisconsin without a permit and I’m definitely not allowed to move out of the state of Wisconsin. 

I don’t know if I discussed with you guys the whole concept of me graduating early so that I could become employed and move to the cities by this summer, but obviously all of that is now out the window. My year off from college will apparently be a year off from pretty much everything.

I also must be approved to take up new residence, so chances are I’ll be living with my parents until further notice. I also have to be approved for a vehicle and get a permit every time I want to use it, even under working conditions, so chances are I can’t get a job.

I also have to have my job approved and inspected by the State, so chances are that the job I have now will become a bit less comfortable. 

And yeah, I guess a lot of people will say that I got what’s coming to me, but maybe I understand why a lot of teens that are put on Probation just screw up and end up in jail. It’s because for some of us, those restrictions rip our lives away for an entire year, and make the future seem hopeless.

I’m not going to mess up; I’m going to finish my probation and get expunged, because this isn’t going to be my life. I don’t want to live this way for a month, much less a year, much less the rest of my life.

It’s going to be a hard one, folks. Bear with me.

Love ya!

The Judgment Day

In about an hour, I will be leaving my house and heading to the local courthouse for what I hope is my final court date. This will be the third time I’ve been to court, and my public defender said last time that he was pretty sure it would be the last.

This makes me really nervous, but I’m glad. I don’t want to keep sitting around waiting for my fate. I want to know what’s going to happen. Don’t call this impatience because I’ve been waiting for months. 

Sadly, the very first thought that popped into my head this morning was: Oh man, if I go to jail, I won’t be able to post my blog.

I hope you’ll forgive me for my anti-blogging transgressions. Do we have a Holy Father of Blogging around here or do I have to transcend typical blogger notations and become said Holy Father? I guess that would also constitute a blogging sex change.

I’m mostly just nervous babbling, I suppose. I’m tired, I’m sore, and I’m scared out of my mind for what’s going to happen. But whatever does manage to happen, I think we all know that I’m strong enough to learn and grow from the experience. 

Or at least come out of the entire thing with a witty and reflective blog post that will make you believe that I have done the learning and the growing, along with putting a comedic touch to my almost-tragic life.

But for real, I really do hope for the best, and I really hope that the actions I took last year along with the ones I didn’t will not harshly and negatively impact my future. I have a lot of hope that I will receive forgiveness for my ‘sins’ and receive praise for just about everything else.

Anyway, that’s conceited, and the real lesson here is that if you’re going to have a gigantic emotional breakdown during your high school experience, be sure to talk to someone who supports you rather than making all of the wrong choices or all of the right choices at very inappropriate times.

I wish you guys luck on your days as well, peace and love upon you and all that jazz.

Love ya!

An Epic Clubbing Experience and Kissing Adorably Awkwardly

Oh boy. Ohhh boy. Let’s talk about last night, shall we?

So, when I woke up yesterday afternoon as per usual with this strange sleeping (yes, I said I’d been sleeping!) schedule I seem to be on, I sent out a holler to all of my Facebook friends stating:

I am here. I am here alone. I do not wish to be alone. Save me or I shall invoke the Dark Lord Satan’s wrath upon you.

Within about thirty seconds, I had a reply from my beautiful friend Samantha, who wanted to hang out, providing I had some money for gas. I quickly dashed around my bedroom scooping all of the spare change out of my piggy banks (yes, plural, and sorry Unicef, I’m a bad person and won’t be making my monthly donation as promised) and showering up.

We then headed to the nearest Coinstar machine, where 1503 pennies, 15 quarters, 5 dimes, and 2 nickels later, we had enough gas money to get us to Minneapolis and back, but we still didn’t have a plan. Sooo, we went back to Sam’s place and googled fun things to do in the area before I realized that I had already been invited to go to a 16+ nightclub in Minneapolis.

How perfect is that? Sami and I quickly packed up everything we needed and took off, dashing towards the nearest Coinstar to raid HER piggy banks for cover charges to get into the club. Of course, we went to the Epic Nightclub, because we are, of course, epic.

We got there at 9, so we had 2 hours of dancing before the damn thing closed. Turns out, when the room is filled with beautiful people, 2 hours can be enough. We ran into the amazing Trey, the wonderful Alisha, and Kilat. No, he doesn’t get an adjective.

We danced really hard and had a super good time, and this is where the awkward kiss comes in. As I was hugging Trey goodbye, I decided I wanted to kiss him, but I think he thought I was leaning in to say something over the music, so turned his ear to me instead. I managed to get some side-lip action. He was so shocked and pleased that I swear he was going to die right there on the dance floor. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to Alisha, but I’m sure I’ll see her again. ❤

Sami and I then drove back to her home-town, stomachs grumbling. We didn’t have quite enough money to buy food, and every damn time we saw a Taco Bell, I swear she was going to swerve off the road. SWERVE!

We managed to make it back in one piece, dashing for the kitchen to eat Cookie Dough and bake a pizza, then snuggle.

I forgot to mention the one tiny little problem, a 42 dollar parking ticket, which we shall have to deal with within 20 days. Awesome. Anyhow, that’s the boring blog for the day, seeing as how no one wants to read about me dancing my pants off (almost literally, once) and craving Taco Bell.

Now excuse me while I curl up in a ball and rock back and forth because I really want Taco Bell and I made the mistake of listening to ‘Sail’ by Awolnation, which  manages to even make my vagina sad.

Love ya!

Blogging from Peru

Or at least, I wish I was. I’m sure the title immediately pulled at least one of you in. It went from a Doctor Who fetish to suddenly being in Peru and you were wondering what the hell happened.

But no, to be quite honest, dear readers, I am not in Peru or in any other tropical climate, though it is above zero degrees here in balmy Wisconsin and I’m sure some people are already dusting off their summer lawn chair and preparing for summer.

Not I this year, sadly. I have been ill for the past few days and have found it both physically and emotionally difficult to rouse myself from bed and get on with a healthy day. That’s not to say that I’m sleeping, simply that I’m not moving as much.

To top everything off, I have now talked about Peru and again the urge in me to get up and go without knowing where is so strong that my limbs ache from staying in place. I hope that one day this might turn into a travel blog or at least a ‘Hey Look, I’m in Peru’ blog. For now, with funding short and energy shorter, I am confined to the adventures in my mind (though if anyone wanted to send an anonymous donation, I wouldn’t be displeased).

I have been hiding in my bedroom eating grapefruits and watching Netflix. To me, that sounds like the typical American teenager life, which is why I really need to get out more. Sadly, I still don’t have a license and my friends are cheap (ahem, I mean ‘stingy’ or ‘careful’) so I find myself stuck here.

Anyway, let’s wrap up this blog with some good news. My pet fish Jarvis is doing very well, thank you very much, and he would like to inform you all that he seems to have grown.

Love ya!

The Dance of Doctor Who Addiction

Okay, back to nerdspeak considering the fact that it has been a terrible day and I want to immerse myself in things that make me (relatively) happy. Since I happen to be in the process of having no life, I have decided to live vicariously through the lives of fictional characters. This has proven to be an effective way to avoid reality, but also an effective way of making reality seem oh-so really ridiculously sad and terrible.

I have just finished all four seasons of Torchwood, which is a spin-off of Doctor Who that follows the life of Captain Jack Harkness, the beautiful, Omnisexual, Immortal, time-traveling Captain who is also the head of Torchwood and ridiculously good-looking. The only problem is that when you become a fixed point in time (meaning that you cannot die), you live a thousand lives that aren’t oh-so-great and you fall in love with a thousand people that you have to watch die.

Which is, in fact, one of the reasons that Jack is so in love with The Doctor, considering that, to our best knowledge, he also has some trouble with the whole dying thing. The reason I’m giving this background is because I am so wanting to pull a Captain Jack Harkness and scream:


I guess I’ve gotten myself a little too immersed into the Fandom, considering the fact that I can’t even really think about Jack Harkness, Rose Tyler, The Ninth Doctor, The Tenth Doctor, and many other characters without either experiencing profound sadness or actually bursting into tears.

I was so caught up in one episode of Torchwood that the distress I was feeling for Captain Jack Harkness caused me to have a bloody nose. I’m not even lying. I was bleeding spastically from the nostrils, crying, and trying to wipe up said blood. 

I have no excuses. I am a die-hard and I am also one of those poor, sad believers that hopes that there really is a Doctor and that he will come to earth and that I will see him. I don’t even need to be his companion, but come on…I would die for that.

Anyway, enough of my moaning and groaning. This is my life right now. Obsessions with things that aren’t real because the things that are real are just stressing me out way too much to have to think about more than I already do.

As always, I love you!