Yes, I do realize that it is four thirty in the morning on Christmas, and it’s even more of a shame that I’m not even up this early for the presents…which I have none of. Here’s the deal. I can’t tell if I’ve actually been slacking on you guys or just feeling guilty, so my sheer confusion over the subject woke me up so early on this fine morning and forced me to post a blog.
Or at least, that’s the story I’m going to tell you to make you feel more loved.
A lot has been going on in my life, but we have no time for such little things, so we’ll just do a quick overview and then get down to the actual topic of the day, which I have, in fact, been pretty sketchy on of late.
My week in thirty words or less: Parties, End of the World, Bowling, Weddings, Sleeping, Eating, Cleaning, Holidays, Presents, No Girlfriend, No Snuggles, Sadness, Insomnia, Butts, Old Friends, More Bowling, Spanish Stress, End of Semester, Movies.
TWENTY-NINE WORDS AND I HAVE PERFECTLY SUMMED UP MY LAST TWO WEEKS, HUZZAH!
Moving on, the topic of the day is…
Inappropriate Ways To Spread Holiday Cheer.
1. The ‘Every Holiday is Christmas’. This, my dear friends, is a serious problem. Here are the steps of pulling off this spreading of holiday cheer.
- Hang your Christmas lights two weeks before Halloween
- Instead of using appropriate ‘Happy Holidays’ cards, send out your Holiday cards with a little style. Use phrases such as: ‘Christmas is the only Holiday Jesus Died for’, “You’re a sinner if you don’t believe in Santa’, and ‘If you don’t believe in the spirit of Christmas, you must worship the Devil.’ This is sure to put your friends and relatives in a joyous holiday mood that will cause your entire tri-state area to become just a little brighter as they storm the streets and set fire to everything you love.
- Simply state that Holidays such as Hanukkah are wrong and terrible and try to get everyone to buy a Christmas tree instead.
2. The ‘Remember that Jesus Died for Your Sins so Donate to this Local Charity’. This one really throws me off. There are people that take their time to sit outside stores in the freezing cold to ask for donations out of the good of their heart. However, as if it wasn’t already enough that they’re making you feel bad for being better people than they are, they also give you a horrible glare if you pass by without dropping a few coins into their collection buckets.
3. The ‘All I Want for Christmas is You…and a Sports Car.’ Something that really bugs the shit out of me during the holiday season is that we have devoted it more to the giving and receiving of presents rather than the opportunity to spend time with our friends and family. It has gotten to a point where you are almost forced to feel like a bad person if you haven’t purchased a gift for the people you care about, regardless of the fact that you could be one short paycheck away from living on the streets. Can we please just accept the fact that it’s a beautiful thing just to get to spend time with the people we love and not be so obsessed with what we get out of the experience?
4. The ‘Let’s Christmas Carol Every Night for a Week’. Oh my Gooooddddddd. We get it. You’re here to spread holiday cheer. That doesn’t mean I need to be plugging my headphones into my TV and blasting the sound just so that I can hear the Packer game over your incessant noise. Yes, we love the fact that you get joy out of going out into the cold and singing songs to cheer up the neighborhood, but come on. Luckily for one Telea, there aren’t really carolers where she lives, and she’s just complaining.
5 The ‘My Decorations are More Extravagant Than Yours.’ Remind me of how much I don’t care. My Holiday Decorations may consist of a plastic bag tied to a pitchfork next to some burned out lights that I found in the dumpster outside Savers, it doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people go so all out to spread their holiday cheer by so completely covering their houses with lights that it appears that all of Santa’s Elves literally took three festive shits each on their yards is disgusting. Furthermore, it isn’t energy efficient, and we are burning down mountain-tops by promoting this behaviour, regardless of ‘how cool it looks’.
I’m not trying to Scrooge out your Holidays, no. I am simply stating that the holidays shouldn’t be about gifts you get, what holiday you celebrate, what things you do for Jesus or any other deity, or the amount of lights you have plastered to your porch. The Holidays are about spending time with the people that mean the most to you and eating a lot of delicious food that you worked together to make. The food part is important; don’t forget the food.
Question of the Day: How do you celebrate the Holidays and is there any tradition you or your family has that differs from traditional holiday cheer?