The Guilt of Failure and the Even Deeper Guilt of a Katy Perry Cover


I am not a Katy Perry fan. Let us just put it that way to start off, and then I can elaborate on things later.

I guess first we have to talk about the reason why Katy Perry gets a mention in my blog post today, and so here goes the clarification on that specific question. Last night, one of my Youtube Subscribers requested that I do a cover of ‘Wide Awake’ by, you guessed it (or knew it, I suppose), Katy Perry.

Now, it’s not that I hate her, or think her singing voice is bad, or anything like that. I simply don’t like her music. I am not a fan. Katy Perry, if you ever read this, please do not take offense; this is my Satanistic side coming out and it has very sharp talons.

Let’s talk about all of this rationally for a moment, Katy. You’re a cool cat. I even considered using one of your quotes as my Senior quote before settling on something a little wittier and snarky; obviously settling for something that was said by Oscar Wilde, bless his heart.

I’m sorry that it stung me deeply to have to cover your song, and I’m sorry that the only way I could make myself go through with it was by desperately google-searching a slower, deeper version of your song that had been tabbed out on the piano. I apologize for deciding that I sounded better than you, and also for rocking the Eb.

But I do not apologize for my greatness, in fact, I say you’re welcome, for when I get famous (You know, like 50 years down the road), people will look back at that cover of mine and say: “Hey wait, who was Katy Perry?”

A bevy of sales will come in for you as you’re comfortably sitting in your beach house retirement home, sipping martinis in 1950’s-style swim-wear and fondly looking back on your youthful days as a sex bomb.

You’ll at first be pleasantly shocked and surprised, or so I hope, and then you will burst into tears, wishing that your boobs weren’t by your ankles. I’m really not trying to hate, in fact, my 80 year-old life scenario is far worse for myself than for you, and involves being mauled into a coma by a bear whilst hobbling home from a night of sexual bingo at the local Veteran’s home.

What I’m saying is that, in my self-loving pride, I have already placed my name above yours in the charts, though I’m sure your new hit song ‘Making Love in 2047’ will at least make the top 50 as you preciously gallivant the stage in a somehow revealing version of a child’s Onesie.

Now, onto the guilt of failure. I’m so sorry guys that I didn’t post a blog yesterday. I was incredibly overwhelmed by my dislike of songs that people are requesting me to cover, and also by confusion over video overlays in my video-editing software. It’s ridiculous and confusing and I just want my Youtube videos to look professional, goddamnit!

Now, I must be off to my second-to-last Algebra class of my entire High School career. Wish me luck with my Trig homework and also tell me what you think of the aforementioned cover of ‘Wide Awake’ by Katy Perry, which is posted right down there.

Question of the day: If you could have me cover one song, what song would that be?

Love ya!

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About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

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