Tomorrow, my dears, is Thanksgiving. On this day, slightly unlike every other day, it is not the cake that is a lie (Nerdy Video Gamer References) but every other food on the table. I know we’ve discussed this before; that Americans are terrible people and one day I hope Aliens do to us what we did to the Natives. Harsh.
Moving right along, I have a serious question that I’m hoping someone can answer for me, since results were a little bit wishy-washy on the internet. What do Native Americans do on this day? Does it matter if they have integrated themselves into society? I mean, do they treat it like any other regular day, or do they mourn the loss of their lands?
I mean, I’m sure Tumblr will give me that answer sooner or later, but if you guys have one, that would be cool. And yes, I know that everyone could do something different, so if you know of one thing that one tribe does or doesn’t do, that’s cool, too.
It’s just funny to think to myself that all of us dumb Americans are celebrating this holiday as an excuse to eat as much food as we possibly can and thank our lucky stars that our ancestors were complete and total assholes…oh, and sinners, too.Think of it this way, religious folks.
America was our neighbor, and we came and we coveted our neighbor’s possessions; aka we were envious of what they had and we didn’t. Sin.
We believed that our needs and desires were greater than that of the Native people, and also saw ourselves as a more evolved race, because we are prideful folk. Sin.
And yeah, sure, we continued digging farther and farther into America under our idea of Providence, which is apparently supposed to atone for something since we were doing it for God, but your god never told you to keep taking just because you wanted it; you were just being greedy. Sin.
And now, we take the day off to relax and eat and drink and sleep, and the only person doing work is the person who cooked the dinner, and everyone else starts turning into sloths. Sin.
And then we might get this gigantic table of food before us, with the idea that we are allowed to eat gluttonously until our buttons pop, our food babies get food babies, and new stretch marks appear on our stomachs. Sin.
Some people decide to be thankful for their significant other, or that guy they just met in the bar because they have no family or they got snowed in to some weird town or whatever kind of sappy love story you want to tell your possibly illegitimate future child. The fact of the matter is that you had a little too much to drink and you decided it was a good idea to stuff/get stuffed without anything close to real emotion. Sin.
Finally, you wake up on Black Friday and you feel like you ate too much, and that hangover from the bubbly is really pissing you off, and to top it all off, you have to go wrestle through crowds at the local mall in order to get excellent deals on things you need to buy for Christmas or Birthdays or whatever (remind me to come back to this). It’s so frustrating, and your thankfulness has disappeared, replaced by fiery rage that burns deep in your soul. Sin.
I hate to tell you this on the day before Thanksgiving, but…
YOU’RE GOING TO HELL.
Coming back to Black Friday. Isn’t it just so silly that the very day after you told everyone you were thankful for what you had and you didn’t need anything more, you were lined up in front of your local mall at 2 in the morning, waiting to blow all of your cash on more stuff?
Welp, I have nothing more to say to you.
I would like to state, as a disclaimer, that I am in fact a Hypocrite. I actually celebrate Thanksgiving two times a year, once with family and once with friends. What can I say, I just love me them mashed potatoes. I try not to think of the Holiday as a recognition of the day that our ancestors got fed by the Natives as to not starve, and then turned around and killed them, no.
I try to think of this day as a good excuse to see the people I love, even though we’re all sinners. Anyway, may your Thanksgiving Day be wonderful and fruitful and sinful, and a happy extra ten pounds to all.