What am I Even Blogging About? Zombies?


Good Morrow, fellow Satanists! Today, we will be discussinggggggg something that I didn’t not figure out on my own. See, I have this thing where I’ll sometimes go to post a blog, and suddenly just…melt.

By that I mean that I’ll start out all happy and excited and sitting upright in my chair, and by the time I click the ‘New Post’ button, I am on the ground crying with dread because I have no bloody idea what to blog about. To make matters worse, on this particular day, I have just spent the whole night watching some fantastically funny vloggers and have thus lost faith in my talents.

It makes it even worse that said vloggers have the sexiest accents in the history of Youtube, and are also more attractive than I am. Oh the Horror. I refuse to speak their names for fear that you guys will leave me for them.

The point in me telling you all of this is that my blog posts, especially today, are all half zombified, which is better than being mummified but slightly worse than being temporarily petrified. The previous sentence will not make any sense and it is a failed attempt to get you to understand the theme.

What I’m really trying to tell you is that I am a blogging mess, and instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling until an idea plops down onto me like some kind of attic-slime that has congealed above me, I have called in backup.

Meet Zack (No Photo Available), my trusty Philosophical friend who I bounce ideas off of rather often. Of course, he bounces idea’s back, and so it’s just a rather bouncy kind of ordeal that has nothing to do with trampolines or breasts. And now I want a trampoline, thank you so much, internet. Yes, I am blaming you.

Zack is a talented young [but older than me] individual who is currently trying to write a book about himself, because he is also narcissistic. Just kidding. About the book part. He’s still a narcissist. Just kidding again, flip that around.

MOVING ON. This morning (or afternoon as most of you fellow Americans would call it) I was in the process of melting into a ball of slime that would, in the future, drop down onto my own head and give me an idea, when I saw that Zack was online, and I decided to break the cycle. So, I addressed Zack with these words (possibly paraphrased and/or embellished):

“Zack! Light of my life. Spawn of my Satanistic Soul! I have a mission for you that goes far past the realms of incredibly dangerous and back into safe territory. You must be strong, you must be brave, you must have imagination. GIVE ME AN IDEA FOR MY BLOG, WHICH WILL BE SEEN BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.”

To this he replied:

“Oh Telea, I don’t understand how someone like you, as shining and radiantly creative as you are, could ever run out of ideas, but if you insist, I will pull one from the deepest, most creative recesses of my mind and gift it humbly to you. Zombies.”

And now here we are, having posted an entire blog about how I couldn’t find a topic. And not about what I was supposed to blog about…which was Zombies. I would like to state, in my defense, Zack, that I really have been discussing a zombie all this time, and it’s funny because that Zombie is a brain, which is ironic because wouldn’t a Brain Zombie just eat itself? Wait, what’s that munching sound?

Oh gods, what have I done.

We invite you to join us in mourning the passing of Telea’s Brain, which turned into a Zombie and ate itself. We wish to celebrate its short life and abundant creativity and also issue a warning about the dangers of spending too much time on the internet. May you rest in Brains.

Love ya!

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About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

2 responses »

  1. I don’t like Zombies because they’re all drippy and minging, but I do like the song ‘Zombie’ by the Cranberries. I like gin and cranberry too, although most cranberry juice has too much sugar for my liking. Weird.

    Reply

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