Oh hey there, guys. It’s another beautiful day in paradise, or whatever those dirty optimists like to say. They’re so dirty, they should be bathed in the waters of cynicism…it’ll clear those happiness pores right up.
As you can tell, I’m in a rather dark mood…apparently. I’ve only just decided my mood was this when I started typing out my blog, and I am now thoroughly confused as to what emotions I am actually feeling.
This may or may not be due to the fact that I haven’t showered in three days – yes, I know, Telea, you’re so disgusting, SHUT YOUR MOUTHS I’M SAVING WATER – and all of my emotions that I have felt for the past 72 hours are still clinging to my skin like parasites. Yes, that is real, and it does happen. No, don’t Google search it.
So, now you know that Telea is sitting in a pile of her own filth and trying to tell you how to run your life, because that’s what blogging is – Telea Style.
Just kidding. This is actually rather rare, as Telea loves her some sweet hot water loving, and rarely misses a chance to climb into that steamy heaven. You know what I’m talking about. The opportunity to be naked. The opportunity to be naked with hot water pouring on you. The opportunity to be stark naked with steamy, scalding water pouring down your body, and on top of that, smelling good while doing it?
WHERE DO I SIGN UP TO DO THIS ALL THE TIME?
Of course, there is a limit to how long you can enjoy a bath or shower. With a bath, the level of enjoyment directly correlates to the temperature of the water. If the water is hot, well that hits the spot. If the water is chilled, GET THE FUCK OUT.
For showers, there are a couple of factors.
1. Your water heater sucks. In this case, you stay in the shower until the water starts changing from awesome to freezeballs, which can happen in a split second.
2. You hate the feel of pruny fingers. It’s true, they’re gross. It’s like, you take a really long shower, and then look at your hands and feet, and you get the very first ‘HOLY MOTHER OF ASGARD, I’M OLDDDDD’ feeling of your entire life. This happened to me when I was 5.
3. There are only so many things you can do in a shower. I mean, some people can take mega-long showers if the idea is not so much to get clean but to dust off the cobwebs from their nether-regions. In cases such as those, have a ball, quite literally in some cases, but don’t get all weird when two hours in, you realize you’re beating the bush with the hands of a 90 year old woman.
4. There’s really nothing to do in a shower. You can’t read a book or watch a movie. Your options are soap, fap, sing, repeat. I know that when I get bored, I find myself shaving my legs three or four times, and at that point, it’s really starting to chafe. I suppose that works with fapping, too.
5. You start to overheat. And then you turn the water temp down, and you start to shiver. And then the bathroom is full of steam and not enough air, and you get dizzy, and you start thinking things like ‘I’m gonna die here’ and ‘I feel sorry for the next owners of this house’. Not a good time.
So, that was my 15 minutes blog post about how Telea just procrastinated for long enough on showering that now her sister is in the shower and there will be no hot water. This means Telea will be going on four days without a shower.
I feel sorry for the people who have to live with me.