America, we have a serious problem. Wait, America doesn’t read my blog, what am I thinking? Readers, we have a serious problem. The problem is…
We’re not discussing any topics that have anything to do with my title today. Yeah, I know, this problem could be easily alleviated by me just changing the title, but that’s work, dearies, and I am not prone to be a working woman. In fact, give me a mop, and I’ll have a new wig, as just about no one ever has said.
In fact, I don’t quite know what’s we’re discussing today, so I’m stalling with terrible jokes that make my eyes burn with shame and my heart…well…let’s not talk about my heart right now.
Dearies, I am nervous, I am excited, I am scared, and most of all…I am relieved. Tomorrow, just a couple few hours away, I will have made it to my one year blogniversary. Yes, yes, let’s throw a party and give me presents. Then I’ll give some sappy, well-rehearsed speech about how I couldn’t have made it without you, and it will sound terribly insincere because that’s what many well-rehearsed speeches tend to end up doing.
But really, I am grateful…to each and every single one of you darling critters who has crawled up and made a nest out of my blog. I promise to feed you at least once a week, and provide you with an education. Go forth and internet, but remember to keep your safe searches on high when adding together the words ‘blue’ and ‘waffle’.
Something I have become concerned with of late are the search terms most commonly used to find my blog. So, here’s what I’m going to do. There were five search terms that seriously disturbed me in my list of top search terms to find the blog.
We are doing a list of five, where I address each term.
1. Fap Chafing. Wait, what? This is a top search to find this quaint little blog? Mercy me and Oh Mylanta! I cannot believe that something this dreadful would be a top term for my blog. Heavenly Asgard above and – Okay, I’m cutting the crap and getting to the point. First of all, I don’t even remember ever posting something about fap chafing, and if I did, well, that was…at least a week ago. Secondly, for anyone interested in knowing my advice on the matter: If it’s chafing, just stop rubbing it! An alternative suggestion is that maybe you’re doing it wrong.
2. Making Out is Over-rated. Well, maybe you’re just bad at making out, did you ever think of that, huh? Since when were my viewpoints on this matter anything other than ‘Please, sir, can I have some more?’ or ‘Holy Mother of Asgard, make out with my face, make out with it right now’? You have made me so emotionally confused that I can barely type this next line. I can barely consider the cries of sadness and frustration that would be let loose upon the world(s) if I was the only person in the world who thought that making out is, if anything, UNDER-RATED. Please explain to me why you would ever even think about using that as a search term.
3. Big Black Dick with Herpes (because I had to say something related to the title of this post). Are you serious right now? And no, I would like to state that this is not an obscure, one time search term that was used to find my blog. In fact, my blog has been found a total of sixteen times with that particular search term. I mean, yay, props for big black dicks getting me followers, but really? Guys, this needs to stop. I am not amused, or impressed, no matter how sizable you assumed the picture you were searching for was going to be.
4. What if your girlfriend is a Stripper? Actually, I kind of like this one. A lot. I actually kind of want to start a newspaper, giving people advice on their girlfriends and their stripper businesses. A better question to ask might be: What if my girlfriend is a stripper, but I’m her boss? Duuude, how disturbing would that be? Especially if you hired your girlfriend after you two started dating. Imagine that. Hey, I know we just started dating, but will you take your clothes off in front of barely legal boys and sad old men for money? Cool shit, I’m down…would be no one’s response. Just saying. Anyway, if your girlfriend is a stripper, I would suggest you get your paycheck in dollar bills from here on out.
5. I’ll kidnap you, duct tape your mouth shut, and then fart in your eye. …Wait. What? That’s seriously someone’s idea of a good search term, nay, a good time? Were they looking for porn or were they looking for professional help based on severe emotional trauma? All added up, this search term has been used forty six times to get to my blog, which either means someone is a little obsessed, or we have forty-six separate and equally creepy kidnapping eye-farters on our hands, and it’s possible that they’re all after me.
Well, I hope you enjoyed learning about the creepy people who read my blog while doing other things. I’m glad that some of your are beautiful, wonderful people, who would only think of kidnapping me and farting in my eye if I really deserved therapy and Pinkeye.