The True Definition of an Early Morning Blog Post

I am awake, I am alive, I am watching Dinotopia. My butthole is very sick, and my stomach seems to be going with it. I feel awful. It’s a very interesting experience that I would not care to repeat any time soon.

I trust you to not tell people, dear internet, that my ass burns like I just injected Ghost Pepper juice into with a very large, very sharp needle. Of course, having shared this with the entire world, I can only hope that no one I know is reading this.

Winky face. Troll face. Double troll face. Triple troll hating on weird ‘notecard’ Youtubers face. If you know what I’m talking about, you might be stifling a giggle-snort right now.

Moving on. Today, I barely ate anything. I was so hungry, but every time I saw food, my stomach attacked me like a rabid bullfrog.

I did consume a whole jar of pickles, and drank about a gallon of water. I don’t quite feel as beautiful as most Telea’s my age generally do.

I have to wake up early tomorrow. Bright and early. For a job. Because I love delivering the monthly newspaper. I really need the money, but I’m feeling as if…if I move…bad things are going to happen, and they are going to happen hard.

We shall see, Watson. We shall see.

I’m going to go…do something…involving a bathroom, some crying, and a lot of toilet paper. Please forgive me, and remember that girls don’t poop.

Love ya!


About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

4 responses »

  1. No girls never poop. Especially my wife.

    A bullfrog is the strangest name for an animal. It’s like naming something Kangaroo Giraffe!

    Sorry I think I’ve had too much caffeine 🙂

    • Haha, also, girls don’t fart, they fluff.

      I don’t know, I always thought that people just didn’t believe in the bullfrog all that much. Every time they saw it, they went: THAT IS BULLSHIT!

      And scientists would then reply: No, it’s a frog.

  2. Amen, girls do not poop. I have to tell you Telea, you know me… and I saw this. You’re fucked. (; Btw, I gagged the whole time I read this. hahaha. (; Feel better. x


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