Oh, hello there, blogniverse. Here I am, exhausted, sick, sweaty, feverish, and slightly delusional, blogging about my last couple of days instead of, you know, doing things that would unsickify me.
I have run out of all of my magical healing juices, and have been reduced to a slimy, messy blob of goo on the couch. I know, gross, and rather exaggerated, but did I mention that I’m slightly delusional?
Let’s start with discussion on what happened on the day of yet another commercialized holiday!
It was hot, real hot. Telea, the amazing spider(wo)man, laid on the couch (like every other muggy day), and basked in the glow of the freshly purchased magical air conditioner.
There were no cases that day. All the bad guys had taken the day off to drink lager and make things go boom.
Telea was about to fall asleep, when…doot do doot do do doot do doot…her phone alerted her that she had a new message.
“Are you going tubing with us today?”
Well, hell yes, Telea was! She quickly shimmied into her swim suit, slathered herself with Sunblock, and then waited two and a half hours until she had to leave.
Her destination? The home of the ever-gorgeous superhero Cheyenne, and her faithful (and also very attractive) sidekick, Kade. They chilled out for a bit, then climbed into Kade’s oven, hem, excuse me, truck, and set off towards Betsy, the always buoyant blue ‘raft’ that would carry Cheyenne down the river.
The heat was compressing them by the time they got to the river. Immediately, they climbed in and began their adventure.
Okay, done narrating like that. We took the usual floating route, which is generally a three hours float, with a couple of really shallow bits, and quite a few weeds. Who cares, it was a good time.
So, we were just floating along, and suddenly Kade goes:
“Do you see the deer?”
Sure enough, right ahead of us, there was a beautiful deer standing in the river, casually eating some leaves. I decided to try to approach her, and waded through the water toward her. I got within ten feet, then she looked at me, and just stood there for a whole minute. I outstretched my hand, and she took a step towards me, then very casually wandered off into the forest.
It was awesome. Then came the g-strings. Cheyenne made a joke about when we went to the lake, and POW! Suddenly she and I both were rocking the g-string. There are pictures, but not uploaded yet. Kade was so embarrassed, especially when we floated by a large group of tubers and I kept the g-string in. Hey, YOLO, right?
We continued our float, and came upon this old cement structure that is right in the middle of the river. There used to be a bridge there, a really long time ago. Kade and I climbed up it, and I, really needing to empty my bowels…
Took a poop. Right there. I shit you not, no pun intended. I wouldn’t be telling you this, because it’s kinda weird and gross…but I felt as if I should tell you this.
Kade and I, after five minutes of being total chickens, jumped off the structure, which was around 10 feet above the water (which was like, three or four feet deep), and landed in the water, hitting hard on the soft, sinky, sandy bottom. We decided to jump again, and then moved on.
Our float ended with two very painful jumps off the rope swing, then we went and got ice cream in a cute little ice cream shop.
When I got home, I had around 15 minutes to get ready and then leave again for Alexa’s house, for appetizers and fireworks. We chilled out, made some delicious (and spicy) Asian Ramen, ate some other yummy Asian food, and watched some fireworks.
I slept over, and we dressed up. Too old for dress up? I think not. I mega lifted my boobs (as in going from a B-cup to a D-cup with the help of two bras, some socks, and some bronzer), rainbowed my eyes, put on a long blonde wig, and then went Omegling.
Tip: it’s not as fun to troll when your breasts look like gorgeous pumpkins and all Omeglians want is to get all up on that. Really, I looked very much like a bimbo.
We did convince a lot of people that we were actually cross-dressers, and a few of them told us that we were the most beautiful transvestites that they had ever seen. Ohhh stop, you’re making me blush.
We then fell asleep. We then woke up. I then went home. And fell asleep on the couch. And woke up incredibly sick.
And that’s the story of my life for the last two days. Sorry it was long and tedious (like my dick) (Oh god, Telea just pulled a very stupid teenage moment right there), but a lot happened, and you needed to know.