Oh man, it seems like the end of the school year is the time that I am most seething with rage and frustration over absolutely everything. Oh dear, I have this immoral want to just punch everyone I know in the face as hard as I physically can, and then laugh and walk away. Smells like teen spirit hardcore in here, doesn’t it? Oh gee, if I could just pack up a backpack, scream ten hail Mary’s to the sky and then take off, I would. I don’t know why I would scream any Hail Mary’s, but it felt appropriate.
My dear friends, have you ever experienced a small injustice that just felt so harsh and terrible because all your other shit is caving in around you already? That’s how I felt when my mother stole my plans, gave them to a group of my close friends (exchange students), and then told me I couldn’t go with to Valley Fair. Well, ahem, that’s super cool of you. I love that, just so much. Especially considering I told you, Mother, that I wasn’t exactly in the right state of mind to go to school today anyway. <— Pertaining to other shit caving in around me.
Let’s start a new topic, a better topic, a topic not filled with rage and frustration, and instead filled with rainbows, butterflies, the satisfaction of finally taking a poop, the sweet relief of the moment when you can empty your bladder, the refreshing fizz of a Shasta Twist as you open it, the humble beauty of midnight, and BEAUTIFUL VIDEO GAME HYBRIDS.
My new mission. My new life…this is it. This is the moment for me to shine. I have, in my head, designed a video game console so daring, so efficient, so beautiful, that it will literally make love to your mind when you use it. What is it?
THE SEGBOX 3! This hybrid, a cross between a Sega, an X-box, and a PS3, comes with a built-in drinking game, a Nutella maker, a smoothie machine, a mini-fridge, a full-sized functional rocket ship, and a stretchy real-life miniature elf whose only job is to clean up the mess you made…because fuck brooms.
You may be thinking…I can’t plug this into a power outlet! It will short the system, and then what am I supposed to do?
Have no fear, my dear compatriots, this device, manufactured in China by Nazi’s and managed by Satan, is powered by GOD.
“Wait…okay, what the fuck? No, really Telea, what the Iron Man are you talking about it?”
Well, the way I see it, if God wants to be helpful, he’ll let us cut him up into powerful little bits that will be inserted into the mainframe of this powerful gaming device. Imagine that. Self-sustained energy-source, too. By buying this product, you are saving the world, one mountain-top at a time…as long as you get yourself a solar-powered TV.
The cost for this beautiful device will be 12845niner9889865polarbear97icecreamsundae9834753immortallife9645yoursoul.
Prototype not yet available.