This last weekend was pretty damn fun. Aside from the self-inflicted pain of something I can’t describe (but I can say ‘don’t do this at home’), it was almost perfect. Here’s how shit went down.
On Friday, I had to sit and play uno with super scary super old people. I don’t know if I’ve filled you in or not, but I have this fear of old people. Not all old people, of course, I’ll still help the little old lady cross the street and all that fandango, but the fact is, if you can’t take care of yourself and/or you’re in a nursing home because of it, you kind of scare me. I have this fear of not being able to live for myself, which is where this fear of old people comes from.
Then, I went on an adventure with Kresha. I’m all about adventures. So, we get in the car with this woman I’ve never met, but who is apparently related to Kresha. And OH MY GOD, she was such a cool cat. We talked about everything from drugs to losing your virginity. She also fell in love with my voice, and wants to hire me as a DJ, for 200 a night. That’s crazy, guys. Just so crazy. We ended up spending the night at Kresha’s Grandma’s house, and there was this ridiculously good-looking man there, and this man was flirting with me death-metalcore (That’s emo-extremo-screamo hardcore), and then I found out this guy was…
13 years old. Fuck.
Moving right along. Saturday brought running barefoot through pastures green, shooting sparrows (not me), and going back to my place. It was generally a great time. We then retreated to Carolin’s for another party, and then again retreated to my humble abode for some quality time with everyone. Meaning we all slept in the horse barn, and it was hella fun.
Sunnndaayyyy! Oh my god. The day I found religion. Here’s you going…wait…what? And here’s me going:
Go watch The Avengers.
I swear, it was so good. My entire life has been changed by that movie. I’m not even talking ‘all three Transformers movies’ good. Like, I’m talking ‘The Avengers blew Transformers out of the water, back into the water, and out of the water again’ good. I thought that kind of sorcery was impossible, but I have now found out…
It’s the Possimpible. Speaking of How I Met Your Mother, congrats to Cobie Smulders for landing a role in The Avengers. I wish I looked that good in a skintight black body suit. I wish I could do kickflips. I wish I was an Avenger. She wasn’t, but I’m just stating facts.
For those of you who don’t know this…the Avengers are real. I shall elaborate on that later.
I am here to state a very obvious fact. I can’t blog worth a shit when I have good weekends. You guys take more amusement out of my pain (because I portray it better) than out of my pleasure. Which is why our topic of the day is…
‘Dares plus nipple piercings.’
…Wait, wait wait……….
Yes. I took a very stupid and very scary dare, and I now have a little piece of metal sticking through my left tit. Though it looks pretty cute and fancy, this is a very strange and undesirable thing. I don’t even know who came up with the idea of piercing their nipples, but the fact of the matter is…
Owwwww. Ow ow ow.
I did it myself, and it turned out very straight, like the irony of being born a heterosexual in a LGBT community. It took me seven minutes to get the needle all the way through, and another six minutes before my life was even a little bit okay. In my defense, I didn’t cry. I held strong and true. In fact, I was laughing.
But Oh My Holy Avengers, owwww.
Okay, obviously my brain porridge was made with a little too many empty words and bad metaphors today, so I’m gonna wrap this up. Don’t blame me, it’s a Monday.