My eyes are so tired and itchy today. My nose is running. I think maybe, I might be dying. Nothing is for sure yet, so don’t start planning the party, but there’s a possibility that I’m going to pass away.
See? This is my exaggeration mode, which is awesome, because everything sucks today. I’m working on making that not so, but the fact is that I’m back in this old, dumpy town, and I am incredibly angry about it. Short blog post today, because, quite frankly, I’m so tired that you guys are lucky I’m posting at all, and that I have a legit list of five and everything.
Five things that people exaggerate about.
1. The size of their penis/breasts. This can go either way. You can see a guy saying he’s a solid 12 when he’s really a 6, or you can see a girl with a D cup saying she’s a C (HEM HEM, ALICE!). What almost never happens is females talking about the size of their penis or men discussing their cup size. I personally have a 27 inch long, 16 and a half wide MONSTER of a penis. Just getting it out there. When they say hung like a horse, they should say hung like a Telea. This is me just playing.
2. How much money they have. This also goes either way. Stingy people can have 65 grand stashed away in their account and not want to buy McDonald’s because it’s too expensive. Poor people may try to impress rich people with their money by buying everything. It sucks. Rich people should take the bill and us poor people will hope someone buys us some lasagna on a train.
3. Our mood. When we’re a little depressed, we’re REALLY depressed, if you know what I’m saying. I mean, I don’t do this. I try to keep it real, but I do have the other direction syndrome.
“Yeah, I’m fucking GREAT! I love life, and I love my town sooo much. Don’t worry about me.”
This translates into…
“Yeah, I’m fucking TERRIBLE. Life is a bitch, and I can’t wait to bomb this town to pieces. Help.”
That’s me. True story.
4. Near-death experiences. Bro, I’m telling you right now, EVERYONE exaggerates near-death experiences. This can also go either way. The three-hour story about a bear attack or the ‘It’s not really a big deal’ approach. You can’t just tell it like it is, or everyone will be like…
“Bro, that’s not a near-death experience.”
Instead of almost shitting their pants with worry.
5. Emotions. Like, it’s not the same thing as mood, at all. Though, it kinda can affect it. But I’m talking the teenage condition. The one where you either hate everything or love everything. The one where you see a hot guy and say:
“I want to have his fucking babies. NOW!”
“I fucking love him, soooooo much.”
No, bro, you just saw him from across the crowd today and made a fool of yourself in front of him. It’s not love. It’s your hormones going wild over a fresh piece of beautiful-baby-making meat.
Okay, I’m done.