Last night, I suffered a near-death experience that would send chills down the spine of any well-thinking human being who has good visualization skills. Last night…
I fell off of a Dam. Let’s tell this story.
I was playing around on the dam like I always do. Our dam has a bridge over it with a metal railing that has bars laying horizontally approximately a foot apart. These bars go up maybe…three feet on either side of the walkway so that people don’t…well, fall off the dam. Well, those are super effective…for the smart. I like to climb on the dam, while singing. I act like a monkey and climb on the previously discussed railings because it gives me a sense of adventure.I’m always (stupidly) on the outside of this railing, with water directly below me.
Now, let me clarify. On one side of the dam (the scary side), water rushes down over layered cement at a pace that would sicken even the fastest turtle and cause the spryest of snails to suffer a heart attack. Though, that doesn’t really give you a good picture, I’ll reclarify to say it goes really fast, like the way a prostitute would sprint to a car that was offering her a large sum of money for her body. On the other side of the dam (the less-scary side) the water seems to be calm and just has a seemingly gentle and soothing flow towards more scary elements.
That’s the side I fell off of. So, you may be going:
“You fell off the less scary side? That’s no fun.”
Well, actually, no, it’s not fun, because here is the deepest secrets no one knows (Haha, quoting E.E Cummings). When you jump (or fall) off of said side of the dam, there just so happens to be this undercurrent. This hideous beast will suck even the strongest swimmer towards the side of the dam that can be compared to a river version of how to get to Davey Jones’ locker.
So, I fell off, and landed in the water. There’s this second in between falling and landing in the water where your brain doesn’t pick up the pace quickly enough to realize you’re in danger. My brain lag lasted just long enough to allow the entirety of my lower half to be pulled over the dam. I began swimming, only to be pulled further into the abyss. I had two choices.
1. Get sucked to the watery depths, never to be seen until my body washed up in the sand of a beach ten miles down river.
2. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
Of course, I chose option 1, because I’m currently dead on some shore somewhere. Hey, ghosts can blog, too. No, option 2, and I swam like the unholy demons of hellfire and unglompitude were at my back. Finally, I managed to get myself out of said sticky situation, once I had leveraged my legs off of the scary side of the dam.
Once free, I was forced to swim almost the entire length of the lake to get to the dock, because there was no way in hell I was going to touch my feet to the grimy, slimy bottom that harbors deformed leeches and two-headed catfish.
I’m pretty sure I have now recieved my dosage of adrenaline for the week, and am content to go babysit tonight instead of attemting to fly or skydiving from the Eiffel Tower.
I will not be doing a list today, because that kind of ruins the integrity of this near-death experience.