You can get Salmonella from Eggs, and Eczema from Salmon. Fuck that.

Okay, so Easter Break (Spring break for those that are way too sensitive to religious holidays) is coming up. Most school have both. You generally get a week off for Spring break and then a three-day weekend. Not I, said the Telea. The Telea goes to a school in which Spring Break does not exist due to an extended break in November for hunting season. However, they have to take time off for Easter/Spring Break, and so we do.

In our Spanish class, we had to paint eggs that we would later fill with confetti and break over the heads of innocent (HA!) people as an Easter joke. I forgot to bring eggs in yesterday, so I had to go home and paint eggs on my own. This ended up being great…because I decided to paint cartoon characters on the eggs to show how beautifully artistic I can be.

I’m not going to promise pictures this time, because I almost always fail to actually post pictures. But I will tell you that some of the characters are…

Ren and Stimpy, Rainbow Dash, Eric Cartman, The Pink Panther, Hobbes, Marge Simpson, Buttercup, and Porky Pig.

I’m so proud of me.

Our list of five is Easter-related, and I beg you not to get offended, because I am an Agnostic bridging on Atheism…but with a healthy respect for all religions. Kinda. Mostly I view religion as an Occult kind of thing. But I respect you if you like God…or if you believe that you’re going to birth Jesus. I can dig it, I just can’t dig it with my own shovel.

Five Reasons why Easter is a Scam

1. Christianity. Really? Originally, Easter was a German celebration of the goddess Bede, and was celebrated throughout the month of April with feasts and merriment. So, wait, we’re saying that this is a stolen holiday and that Christian God is a terrible, terrible man (Is man correct? What is God, anyway? Man? Beast?) who steals from apparently ‘lesser’ gods? This celebration is also where the big, ugly bunny comes in, but we still have no idea where it came from or what it’s meaning is. April does happen to be the start of many animal breeding cycles, and so the term ‘breeding like rabbits’ may have come into play at some point.

2. The Rabbit. Yes, yes, it’s run-on from the rant about God being a terrible person (Thing? Object? Omnipotent Fantasy?) and all that. I like rabbits, I do. They’re cute and cuddly and have many babies and taste delicious when roasted in the oven with some potatoes and herbs. My first issue is:

Where the hell did the rabbit come from? Am I just incredibly ignorant about this or is it just some thing someone thought up?

“Yes, yes, Easter is missing something. It needs that certain…element. Rudolfus, where is my roasted leg of Hare? Hare! That’s it. Easter is all about giant rabbits…thank you, Rudolfus! Oh, don’t forget my poached eggs! Eggs! What if the rabbit laid eggs? GENIUS!”

Second issue…it’s a rabbit. End of story. Next time, choose something cool…like a Liger…or Telea. I refuse to lay eggs.

3. Candy. Don’t get me wrong. I foxing love the sheep out of candy, but I don’t understand the point of it in this celebration. Of course, this entire celebration should be set on fire and thrown out the window, but I’m just making a point.

4. Can anyone say convergence of Church and State louder than I just did? I dare you. There are laws against that since back in the days of the Holy Roman Empire when the reason for the fall of said Empire was the battles of power between Church and State. And there shalt be separation of the two, they shalt be split in twain, and one shalt not influence the other. Yet, most schools observe Good Friday and Easter Monday, which are largely Christian Holidays. Yes, I’m so mad about this that I’m actually complaining about getting school off. Then, to add insult to injury, they title it Spring Break, which is a loosely covered excuse to take school off. I can dig that, just not with my own Backhoe.

5. Filling eggs with Candy. We’re taking two of the previous issues and making them into one big issue. What is wrong with you people? Who got the idea that it’s okay to remove the good, healthy part of an egg and fill it with tooth-rotting, decay-inducing grime? Now, I love candy, like I said before. But there are moral boundaries and you just crossed them.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go beg some candy off of some stupidly incoherent Christian Middle-schoolers.

Love ya!


About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

One response »

  1. Ha, you’re right rabbits are tasty. I love the way your sentence just flowed from their cuteness to cooking in the oven 🙂


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