Monthly Archives: April 2012

Party Like It’s a Rave in a Nerdy Kids’ Basement.

Okay, so we did Prom…quite obviously. Now, I have a few things to say. First, my mother did not get my dress fixed up in time, so I went to prom wearing my signature ripped black leggings and a very nice plaid button-up. Needless to say, I was my regular sexy self, except with beautifully curled bright red hair, some legit falsies, and a wonderful followup make-up job done by the lovely Carolin. I looked hella sexy, and my hot Prom date agreed, so it was all good. We found it totally alright to dress down, so that’s what we did. Meanwhile, everyone else dressed up and looked lovely.

On Friday, I won the 2012 UWBC Poetry Slam. No, sir, I do not live in Rice Lake, and it was quite the drive to get there, so no, sir…you can’t stalk the shit out of me. This is the third year I’ve place in the top three and first year that I became the official winner of it. Then, we went and drove to Stillwater (also a long drive) to pick up the infamous Antonio to spend the weekend and attend his first ever Prom. What an adventure, eh?

I was very nauseous, and this is where the story gets fun, because.

Later that night, I projectile vomited like a (hot) beast. I wasn’t like, horribly sick. It was just one of those things where you ate something bad and thus needed to get it the hell out of you. You should have seen it, though. It was a fountain of chocolate-colored watery spew that arched gently from my slightly upturned mouth and outwards into the waiting Porcelain God. If you imagined the Trevy Fountain being murky like a badly-dug home pond, and then put it in relation to me spewing vomit vigorously, you would have a perfect picture of a total five minutes of my Friday night.

I felt so much better after this incident that I proceeded to brush my teeth and go party with the others, like I hadn’t just turned my last meal inside out and flushed it down to the murky depths of ‘I’ll be your drinking water in twelve years’.

We had a sleepover on the ground (very appropriately, damn kids), and then woke up early the next morning for a trip to Eau Claire (far away, assholes, stop guessing). We got our hair done by Kresha’s gay uncle, and our makeup done by German Carolin, and then we went out to eat, because Olive Garden was going to be packed if we had gone later. We had an orgasmic meal (that I didn’t throw up, thank Satan unholy), and then went to the mall.

At the mall, we trolled, got some cool shit, then left. There was this pair of earrings that would have gone perfect with my non-dress, but they were 14 dollars, and I no longer take the risk of shoplifting, so they stayed right where they were (curse Satan unholy). It was too early to head to Prom, so we chilled at Kresha’s, did our makeup, and then went for some sodas and combos. It was all innocent and fun. Then, Prom came around.

We danced like crazy (though no one else did), and I got the DJ to play Stacy’s Mom…he even gave me a shout-out, because I said it was my theme song. Yes, one of my children is going to be named Stacy, and yes, I am going to be the MILFiest MILF that you ever did see.

We then had half an hour between Prom and Post-Prom, so we procured baby carrots from my mother, and headed off to the park to just enjoy the night air and eat baby carrots. It was a slightly crisp, very elegant night, and we had a good time.

Matthew, Kresha, and Carolin all got sick though, so we drove them back to Kresha’s and headed to Post Prom. Which blew. I mean, winning a three-month membership to the BACC and 125 bucks didn’t blow. Most of the food didn’t blow…everything else blew.

I do give them props for trying…but after I quit Post Prom Committee…there was really no use at all. I would like to give a shout-out to the members of the Post-Prom committee who worked so hard to make it happen, and were not rewarded in the least. I would also like to diss on the members of the Committee who saw it as their responsibility to make all the decisions without asking the people who actually gave a shit. This is all just a ‘Kim, I fucking love you and they should have listened and also given you a large amount of money’ shout out.

After Post Prom, Antonio and I headed back to my place, where we proceeded to head to the horse barn, not touch, not make out, and not engage in any risky behavior. Wow, what a night (heavy sarcasm). I still enjoyed snuggling up with him and sleeping for a few hours, but still…quite the disappointment.

Okay, I’mma head out, but now you know what my life was all about this weekend.

Love ya!


We are young, we just don’t need to be reminded constantly.

Have you heard the song ‘We Are Young’ by Fun? Of course you have. With over 40,000,000 views in the four short months it has existed on Youtube, you can only assume that it’s been heard. Also, as a fact here in Wisconsin, it happens to be played on the radio every three songs or so…you know, to mix it up.

I first heard this song two weeks ago. I know, I know, I’m behind the trends and stuff. That happens when your mind ages faster than your body. The first time I heard it, I fell in love with that man’s voice and the nice little vocal runs that he incorporated into the chorus. Of course, it was hard to tell exactly what he was talking about, but the general message seemed to go something like this:

“We’re still young, so let’s go do crazy shit together, and I promise that at the end of the night, I’ll take care of you.”

It’s a nice message, it is. I like how he’s incorporating the value of youth with the responsibility of friendship. It’s like one of those old PBS shows that actually taught kids some moral values. But.

But but but, and one big however.

Very similar to when you say your name over and over again until it doesn’t make sense, listening to this song this many times makes me forget my moral values and want to spend my time being young on finding and killing that man…then I can spend my sad old days in a prison or on death row somewhere.

Actually, I don’t want to kill that man. That man (still without a name, since I’m lazy) is an awesome vocalist who has taken the world by storm, much like I aspire to do. Who I really want to murder is what ever crazy bat decided that music on the radio was not intended to have any variation at all. It’s redundant in its beats, and when a song does happen to be anywhere near original (compared to other music, not as a singular entity), it gets overplayed until you’re practically on your knees begging for the old redundant shit.

To conclude this topic, the music world, though bright with rising stars who actually have the capacity to take the future in their hands (ohhh, was that a self-referral?), is being shot down by the corporate music entities who don’t give any shits about anything but money.

Now, I am going to get this day over with (while listening to ‘We are Young’), fix my Prom dress (while listening to ‘We are Young’), and then go have a brill weekend at Prom (Where they will probably play ‘We are Young’). I shall prolly post once tomorrow, and then I can’t really guarantee anything for the rest of the month…as I’ll be stone dead tired.

Love ya!

I know you want me…to do things you want to do.

Okay, so, we have yet another request, from yet another same person. It’s all good, this is a really good request. By the way, did you guys notice that I now have a request page where you can tell me what you want me to write about? Ohhh, it’s so exciting I could die.

Kyle is reading over my shoulder and making fun of every word I type, which is making it very difficult to do anything about this whole blogging situation at all. Kyle needs to stop it right now, or I will punch Kyle right in his hairy (and overly pink) nipple.

Anywho, moving on, our request for today (compliments of bpshielsy, is as follows.

“OK my third & last request is…Who & much more importantly why, would win in a movie between the forces of Evil & Good.

The Evil having three baddies of Darth Vader, Voldermort & Hitler
The Good having three goodies of Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter & Oskar Schindler.

Lett the battle commence…”

Okay, this is a great question, because I know all about all of these characters. Let’s do the pros and cons of each person. Pros in bold, cons underlined.

Darth Vader

Sweet Outfit, Has a great grasp on the force, cool lightsaber, Real name Anakin, Cool voice, Overly Cocky, Has a son who is out to destroy him, Still loves that one chick (I refuse to say her name), Real last name Skywalker, Muffed up face.


Horcruxes, Lacks a nose (thus can’t smell gross shit), Has been around a while, has a ton of loyal followers, Is overly cocky, had a ton of horcruxes destroyed, some followers are double agents.


Very smart, very cunning, original mustache, good at strategy and writing out battle plans, inspiring speech-giver, good at bribes, Is short, is manic depressive, has daddy issues, has powerful enemies, really wanted to be a fucking artist, gets angry semi-easily.

Luke Skywalker

I have nothing nice to say about this man. He is a pussy, all the way through. Luke Skywalker should not have been able to beat Darth Vader, and should not have been born. I’m sorry, I just see no good. His pro, I suppose, is that he has a lightsaber. Good?

Harry Potter

Is British, Has a sweet scar, is the real owner of the elder wand, is scrawny, is not attractive, is a horcrux, is very pale and hairy, is only a kid.

Oskar Shindler

Is awesome, is amazing, is cool, is a good man, is a protector of the Jews, is kind of crazy (that can be good), has a large amount of loyal followers, saved a ton of people, has a tendency to put business matters above his wife, spends large quantities of money.

Well, sir, the pros and cons are in, and I have another group to add, who will not get pros and cons, they will just be…there.

Smeagle, from LOTR. Classic Neutral selfish character.

Loki, Norse God. Not evil, just power-hungry and incredibly misunderstood.

The Autobots. Primarily good, but only in the view of humans. If their job is to help the humans, then some of the things they do would be bad…which makes them neutral.

I’m sorry, but team three wins. Just saying. Neutral team, the underdogs, yes. In the original battle, Shindler was kinda pulling the good team through, by the way, just because he’s my hero…so yeah, it’s an opinion. The reason the neutral team wins is because…


Love ya!

“It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”

Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong.

You’re wrong.

You’re wrong.

You’re wrong.

Boy, do I have a story to tell you beautiful readers. This story will make you fear for my safety in the town that I live in, and also for the safety of Handbasket, at whom all of this behavior was directed.

Last night, Handbasket was scrolling through old party pictures and came across a very cute and artistic (and adorably chaste) photograph of her and AJ kissing. She, of course, commented on this, which caused it to show up on all of her friends’ news feeds, as Facebook so annoyingly has decided to do. Now, this is the very small town of rural bumfuck nowhere, population <500. I just want you to keep that in mind.

A girl, at my school, in my grade, a racist, a homophobe, and (admittedly) kind of a whore (but I still generally find her to be a decent person and I talk to her) found there to be a problem with this picture and responded (Paraphrasing):

“You’re way too young to be posting disgusting shit like this on Facebook. Delete it or I will report you.”

You just cringed, didn’t you? I just cringed a little. I mean, I cringed a lot when I first read it, and I’m still cringing a little now. It’s that sort of cringe that feels like, instead of a simple motion to show your distaste, your entire body has just frozen and all of your nerves are twanging around in you like you just got set on fire. It’s that kind of cringe.

Of course, I immediatly responded, as the hero I am, protecting my friends against moral wrongs and sexuality-based insensitivities. I should get a hero name. We can call me Madge. Or something. I said something along the lines of…

“I don’t see how this affects you or harms you. I don’t see how this is pornographic in any way, and I don’t see how you feel it is your duty to call the shots in other peoples’ lives. Just my two cents.”

Of course, this is something that is capable of getting a rise out of any smallminded small-towner, and she responded as if I had just told her that her mother was a dirty turtle who don’t get no respect.

“Yes, I do have a problem with it. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve. Oh, and I could report this for child pornography. Just saying what I know. 😉

“So, wait, this has to do with your homophobia? I don’t see how two girls kissing in an innocent game of spin the bottle should affect you. It’s not like these two lovely ladies are in a relationship, they’re just enjoying themselves, and as far as pornography goes, you’re saying that girls can set their profile pictures as them in bikinis that barely cover their nipples but a kiss is taboo?”

This discussion went on and on, and got a lot of input from other people, but the simple fact of the matter is…

I find it very difficult to live in a town where residents find it socially acceptable to hate openly on anyone whose sexuality isn’t straight. I find it wrong that when people make racist jokes here, they make sure to spit fire so we know they’re serious. I find it unacceptable to the entire human race (this includes anyone and everyone that has a body and lives, no exclusions) that people feel they have the right to treat other people the way they do.

Yeah, I’m a hypocrite, because I sometimes hate on things, even on this blog. But do you think that I put wrath behind my words? Do you think I’m serious? No, I’m not, because everyone should be equal. People should be judged on the quality of their character, not on who they love or the color of their skin.

I’m sorry this wasn’t funny today, but there is a serious fucking issue here, and I know that it’s not getting fixed any time soon. Sadly.

Love ya!

Punking it out like the Breakfast Club

What a nice break that was. You, know, the weekend. That thing that can’t possibly last long enough and that you regret wasting when it’s gone. This one was a decent one, though I probably put on 15 pounds with all the junk food I consumed, and I am now missing George quite terribly.

This was a weekend when I made a new friend, by the name of Paul. How did I make this friend? Well, first of all, he’s not just a friend…we are now married. Not all official-like, no, this never was approved by a court of law, but deep in all four of our hearts, we know that we are married. He has a mouth like Justin Long and he is very cute…and he lives in Washington. Good job on the long-distance marriage, Telea.

We met on Omegle, and usually (generally always) I don’t give any of my personal information away to strangers on Omegle. Like, that is so against Telea laws. But this one was different. I don’t know whether it was his eyes, wide and excited like a puppy, or his mouth, large and Justin Long-ish…he had me at

“I have a zombie-killing knife.”

On to more serious (or not) business. Again, I have a request…and again, it’s byshielsy that has requested said request…or some such nonsense. Again, I am advertising…and no, I’m not going to block you, because that would be rude.

The request is a list of my five top movies and why. By the way…are you hinting that I need to go back to my old list of five format? It kinda seems like you’re kicking me in that direction.

1. The Breakfast Club. Hands down, the best movie in existance. Cult Classic? Yes. Good Soundtrack? Hell to the yes. Bender is a total hottie? Uh, bro, so obviously FUCK YES! I can’t think of one downfall to this movie, from the awkward start to the ‘Don’t you forget about me’ ending. To the outside world they were simply the Jock, the Brain, the Criminal, the Princess and the Kook, but to each other, they would always be the Breakfast Club. Ahhh, it’s so inspiring I want to take my pants off!

2. Forrest Gump. Does this happen to be the only movie that starred Tom Hanks that I loved? Why, yes, other voice in Telea’s head, it does. Also, does this movie happen to make you cry every time you watch it?

…Like a baby. Like a goddamn child who hit her head on a spiked mace and was now bleeding to death. That’s how hard this movie makes me cry. Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away.

3. Transformers trilogy. No, I can’t pick my favorite one, and yes, I consider them to be one movie broken up into three parts…for easier watching. I could marathon the shit out of these movies like, five times a day, if time allowed. I could state that there better be Autobots in heaven, and I can attest to the fact that every time I see a car even resembling a 1977 Chevy Camaro that is painted yellow with a black stripe…I scream out to it and beg it to let me be it’s Sam. I’m not lying.

I have laid down in a Walmart parking lot crying my eyes out, screaming for one of those cars to be a real Autobot. This was, of course, after the second time I went to the theaters to see Transformers 3…which I saw in theaters a total of 4 times…and cried every time.

4. The 10th Kingdom. TV Miniseries. Based on a book of the same name by Simon Moore. Tenhourslong. A ten hours worth wasting, I’d say. If you haven’t seen this movie, I require you to watch it all the way through…tonight…and then tell me what you think. This movie shaped my childhood. This movie made me real. This movie…changed my life.

Okay, fine, I won’t take it that far, but the fact is…watch it.

5. Cool Runnings. Yes, I said it, I said it, I said it coz…


Watch it, that’s all.

Love ya!

I’ve Lost My Hunger…Games

Last night, I went to see The Hunger Games in the theater. After sitting watching ‘preflix’ and previews for 20 minutes, finally, the moment came where whatever god-like creature rolls the film inserted the disc (yes, disc) into the player (yeah, no longer the old film that rolls and makes everything feel all magical) and got the show on the road.

Within the first five minutes of the movie…I was hooked. Totally and completely. I fell in love with all of the characters that didn’t know how to act and all of the unneccesarily shaky camera angles. I loved how the actors seemed to make no effort to be their character at all, and how the entire reaping process seemed…well, incredibly scripted. This is the kind of movie I like to see. This is the kind of movie I like spending eight dollars on.

No, seriously, my entire point in life is to waste time, energy, and money on pointless and crappy endeavors that shouldn’t have seen the light of day.

I’ve already spent far too much time critiqueing this movie, and it takes a lot of effort, so instead, let’s making a list of the things I did appreciate.

Woody Harrelson as Haymitch. So good. Could have been a little angrier and a lot drunker, but he was fantastic.

CGI. The graphics were seriously great. Especially the Game-makers room. WAOW!!!

Seneca Crane’s beard. So fucking cool.

The City of Panem. Calm and serene on the outside, full of beauty, and on the inside, a complete pandemonium of colors! The makeup artists were awesome, but there could have been some CGI to make some of the people look more…fierce.

Cinna. Oh my god. Cinna. Exactly how I imagined him to be. I’m going to cry when he dies in the next movie…just saying.

That’s pretty much it…yeah…

So, my personal suggestion to you is to watch it, but not spend money watching it. I know other people who thought it was fantastic. In my opinion, about half of those people are idiots who didn’t even read the book. Good job, guys.

This is a short blog, because I have a lot to do, and I’m so so so so so tired. I wanted to go out with a bang today so that you would be craving me all weekend, but uhhh, didn’t exactly happen…so…


Love ya!

The Virgin Mary Didn’t Lie…Not at First, Anyway!

Arizona. The land of awesome ideas. If I was a guy, I would move there. Right the fuck away. Let me explain.

Bus, bike, or airplane down to Arizona, where dreams really do come true! In the corner we have the Republican-based Governor Jan Brewer, and in this corner, we have the rest of the state. Here in Arizona, big bucks can buy anything, including a law saying that pregnancy can begin up to two weeks before conception. What does this mean, boys and girls?

It means you better be careful with table conversation when someone is wine-and-dining you because you may already be carrying their foolish lovechild.

It means that the stork doesn’t bring babies, quite obviously.

It means that birth control, condoms, and alcohol should all be illegal, because…guess what? You could be murdering your unconcieved baby.

It means that the Virgin Mary wasn’t lying when she said she got preggers without actually doing the deed.

It means…I can sue my date for child support way earlier.

It means that I can say I won’t take responsibility for this child because she was pregnant before I banged her.

Last of all, it means…


Yes, children, it’s true. Now, the law that was passed doesn’t actually state this, but I have some links for you to follow, and some extra information that already existed. I want you to form your own opinions on this matter, and not just believe everything I say.

I believe that’s enough linkage for you. Just so you know, Planned Parenthood ( states that…

“In order for a woman to become pregnant, she must release an egg from her ovary — ovulation. Next, the egg and sperm must meet and form a single cell — fertilization. Then pregnancy begins when and if the fertilized egg attaches to a woman’s uterus and begins to grow — implantation.”

How I love laws passed on medical impossibilities.

We had a request!!!

” I remember that Bernard Shaw quote I read when I first stumbled on your blog. Apples & ideas & all that guff. Write 5 of your favourite quotes & why you like ‘em? – Bpshielsy (

My five favorite quotes and why I love them!

1. “Without life, there is no music. Without Music…there is no life.”I don’t know who wrote this and am too lazy to look it up. I love this quote because it directly applies to everything I believe. I couldn’t live without music. Living without music, like the quote implies, is impossible. You guys know that I aspire to just sing my whole life through. This will be my Senior quote when I graduate and also some of the only text in my belief system.

2. “The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs
They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I’m the only one

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful chaps
They’re loaded with vim and with vigor
They love to leap in your laps
They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I’m the only one.

Tiggers are wonderful fellahs.
Tiggers are awfully sweet.
Everyone elses is jealous,
And thats why I repeat…

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Are Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs
They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I’m the only one.
Yes, I’m the only one
(GRRrrrrrr…) ooOOoooOOooooOOOO!!!”

This is my long quote. It’s less of a quote and more of a song, but when someone asks me what I’m like, there’s an 80 percent chance that I will sing this song all the way through, inserting my name instead of the word Tigger. I grew up with Winnie the Pooh, and I found Tigger to be THE MOST ENDEARING CHARACTER EVER.

3. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better…it’s not.” Oh, the Lorax. It’s hard to pick your very favorite Dr. Seuss quote, but this is definitely the one. I love it so much. It makes sense. It’s perfect. People do need to care more.

4. “So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.” The Notebook. One of the only movies (except for ‘Listen to Your Heart’ and ‘Transformers’) that can make me cry like a baby…every time. I don’t think I need a reason for this quote. It just makes my heart sad and happy at the same time.

5. ‘”Music’s a powerful thing. A song can change your mood. Make a memory. One song can change your whole life.” This is a quote from ‘Listen to your heart’. I love it because it’s true. Every memory that I have, I can define with music. Every song, I have a memory for.

Of course, my favorite quotes may change. Of course they will. But right now…these are the quotes that inspire and define me. Sorry for such a serious (and long) post today.

Love ya!