Okay, so there has been a good deal of needless drama at my school, and I have been placed smack-dab in the middle of it, because some people are dirty rumor-mills who take a scrap of harmless information and turn it into something that could potentially make you the nearest thing to a social pariah.
Now, I’m not saying any names here, but I believe that Kelsey needs to go die in a hole, or at least go sit in a hole and stay there until she learns that making plans with someone is not the same thing as making plans to bone someone. I’m sorry, I’m angry today, and I am hoping that my rage and angst will make for an entertaining blog post. Haha, right.
I should make a drama hotline, so that when an innocent bystander is pulled into needless angst and fuckery, they can just call and I will be all super-hero-like and make everything go away. I will be called…The Exception.
Why? Because the word ‘Anti-Drama’ and the word ‘Woman’ don’t seem to fit well in a sentence together, and so I will be the exception to the law that all women are dramatic and disgusting pieces of filth that should not have permission to inhabit this earth. Think I’m wrong? Visit my home town.
Today’s list of five is a list of five rumors that have been circulated about me since my Freshman year.
1. That I was pregnant. Of course, one of the times this rumor was spread, it was all my fault, and a joke, but this rumor has been spread…three times? Now, I’m not saying I aborted this rumor faster than I would abort a demonic rape-baby…but I abandoned ship as soon as I heard there was a leak in the outer hull. Pregnancy isn’t okay at my age, and to have people look at you like you’re a leper? That’s not so delicious.
2. That I am a lesbian. Oh my god, ongoing rumors, to an extent that boys will not date me because they feel like I will cheat on them with women. Eh, I don’t particularly mind these rumors, but they’re still a wee bit annoying when I’m trying to seek out a beautiful, ahem, I mean handsome, prom date.
3. That I was the one stealing all the cash and hair spray. Well, fuck that guys, the doubt on that one pretty much faded when there were three thefts when I was at home, almost dying of sickness. Also, the whole ‘Oh me, oh my, the exchange student got stolen from’. WHO THE HELL STEALS FROM AN EXCHANGE STUDENT? Whoever it is who is committing these crimes is a dirty low-life who won’t get a love life…ever.
4. That I myself am a rumor-mill who can’t keep secrets. Now, it is true that I have let a couple slip past these holy lips, but the truth of the matter is, I have about 2000 secrets (Okay, exaggeration) from other people that will never pass my tongue to see the light of day.
5. That I am seeking to bone everyone. Now, yes yes, I do have a fair amount of sexual frustration, and I may have crushed on about a third of the male high school student body, but the fact of the matter is that I’m not out for everyone’s dick. This is the particular rumor that’s pissing me off. Yes, because I am going to go bone a man with a child. Yes, I am a total skank. Yes, I deserve to be made into a social pariah, get tarred and feathered, hung, and then thrown off a cliff into an ocean full of angry vaginas. This is exactly what is going on.
Okay, well, I’m done, are you?