Okay, so after a rather sad and depressing week in which I was only inspired to write black poetry about dying, I am back, and about the same as I was before. I must apologize for my extended absense, but I did warn you, and I have been working really hard on getting back on my feet for you guys.
To be quite honest, I’ve missed all of this. It’s kind of a relief to be able to come back and have humor and happiness again (you know, because on this blog, I’m never EVER depressed).
Let’s talk about things. What things? All sorts of things, because it’s going to take me a while to get back into my old swing of writing, so I’m trying to be basic and overly excessive all at the same time. Let’s first do a quite life update for one beautiful Telea.
Sad, Linkin Park, Sad, Music, Sexual Frustration, Funerals, Wakes, Music Music Music, Blink 182, Linkin Park, SEXUAL FRUSTRATION, no sleep, dropped some weight, hanging at parks, music music music, sexual frustration.
You guys just get me sooooo well sometimes. I love you people.
Our real topic of the day is going to be something I obviously haven’t covered before, and yes, right now I am stalling because I can’t think of what to cover.
Five Stalling Techniques.
1. The ‘Sorry, we’re both moving the same direction’ stall. Sometimes, this can be an honest mistake, but sometimes, you need some time to stall something that’s happening (maybe in the back room), and you purposely employ this dastardly means of fuckery. It’s simple. You are being approached by someone who is moving towards you (that was quite redundant), and you are walking towards them as well (quite obviously). You need them to stop moving in the direction they are moving in, so you almost run into them. Sense their next move to step around you and parry. And again. This technique will only work for a maximum of 15 seconds, at which point, they will take your shoulders to stop you, and step around.
2. The ‘Oh God, I think I broke something’ stall. This is almost famous for being effective, because the chances that you know the person you’re trying to stall (or at least the chances that they’re at all compassionate about their fellow human beings) are rather high. It’s simple. You fake a fall, or hit something really hard. Just make it look real. Crumple in pain and call out for their help. Ham it up a little bit by extending your hands towards them specifically. Works at least 50 percent of the time, and can give you up to half an hour of stalling.
3. The ‘Hey, would you like to buy this’ stall. This only works if you look scrappy or have a lot of one item in your possession at the time. Also, the person you are stalling HAS to be a stranger. You can’t try to sell something to a friend, they get suspicious. Hold out whatever you’re attempting to sell and tell the person that you need money for your family. If they agree quickly, try to barter the price up a little, for stalling purposes. If they disagree, hound them like crazy. This stalling technique can work for up to five minutes, or maybe 10 if you’re a pro.
4. The ‘Shit, I’ve lost my…” technique. This requires some compassion on the part of the person you’re trying to stall, and some absolute panic on your part. Try Wallet, or Phone. Beg them to help you. Ask to use their phone (or wallet) to help you find your phone (or wallet). Most likely, they will stop and help you. In the case that they do not, get angry. I mean, get really angry. Yell at them and tell them they are selfish assholes. That you have a wife and kids at home and that wallet had your last paycheck in it. This stalling technique can actually work for up to three hours.
5. The ‘Sexual Advance’ Stall. Plain and simple, just make a move. A pickup line will generally get you a little time, but if you’re really daring, you’ll just attack them and start taking their clothes off. Try lines like ‘You and me, Bathroom, NOW’. It may or may not but definitely will work if you’re anything near attractive and they are anything near single or sexually frustrated. This stalling technique can work for a period of time between ten seconds (the casual brush-off) or four hours (the ‘let’s go back to my place’).
Wow, I’m pretty sure I just nailed that blog post.