Loser, Loser, double loser…YOU HAVE SOME FREAKY-ASS FETISHES!


You know all of those old rhymes we used to say when we were totally immature and everyone older than us hated being around us to a point of they would have stabbed us if we hadn’t been children? Yeah, well, that’s what inspired the titled of my blog post, combined with my feeling that I am, in fact, a total loser.

Yes, I have admitted this, and I am fine with it. I do have reasons why I am a total loser, and they are good ones…I just don’t feel as if I could word them right…oh wait…I devote all of my free time to blogging and poetry. Why does this make me a total loser? Because poets never go anywhere in life…at least, that’s what I’m told by everyone that. Also, I am not published yet, which makes me…a wee bit sad. See, the problem is that poets seem to not have the capability to be famous until they’re dead…or very close to dying. That’s not me. I wanna be famous now.

Do I want too much? I don’t know, but we are moving on to a topic other than myself. Let’s talk smack about everyone else! Haha, just kidding, that’s naughty.

Today, we are going to discuss…have I done weird fetishes that I don’t understand? No? Yessss.

Five freaky-ass fetishes that I either don’t understand or that gross me out to a thorough extreme.

1. Tentacle porn? Yes? Number one on my list because it’s like the mega-evolved-anime version of alien beastiality which is fucking freaky as hell. Now, I’m not trying to digress into my old ways of shocker effect to get the laughs. I’m just pointing out that…WHO THINKS THAT’S HOT??!? Honestly, I’m not trying to be mean, but who thinks to themselves…

“Man, it would be really sexy if I got fucked by an octopus from outer space today.”

????

Why???

2. Food fetishes. Like:

“Let’s pour saurkraut on your stomach while eating lollipops and licking ice cream off your tits.”

Or, just,

“I like to eat while having sex.”

I just mean that if food gets you really hot, I don’t quite understand you. I mean, I can understand something simple, and basic, like when you’re really super hungry, and a really hot guy is standing right next to your favorite meal and he’s waving and smiling and taking his shirt off and you go:

“Uh, no…gotta go with the sandwich.”

I GET THAT! But…other than that…just…no.

3. Foot fetishes. You walk on your feet, you talk on your feet, you land on your feet…feet are pretty damn impressive. I mean, feet get you places. I love feet. But the simple fact of the matter is…

I don’t want to take my tongue and apply in liberally to your smelly, gross feet, that are responsible for your globetrotting. Sure, if they’re clean and I love you, I may give you a foot rub, but everyone knows that’s different. If you see a foot and go:

“That’s a nice foot. I wish my feet looked like that.” Perfectly normal.

But if you see a foot and go:

“I want to hold that foot. I want to touch it, and rub it, and kiss it, and lick it, and possibly have it be rubbed on me. I just love feet.” There is probably something immensely wrong with you.

4. The latex thing. Latex condom = good. Latex body-suit = bad. Who wants to get a sweaty rubber rash after every sexy-fetish-dive? Need I go on? Okay, maybe the cat-suit looks hot, but imagine getting in and out of those things. Imagine the chafing.

5. I have to do a super weird and gross one, too. One that makes you squeal with disgust and distress. Vorarephilia.

Do you know what this is? Do you want to know?

Vorarephilia: Sexual arousal…from eating/being eaten by another person. As in…

“You know what would be really sexy? If I consumed your flesh.”

Uhhh, Albert Fish, anyone?

Okay, that’s all for now.

Love ya!

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About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

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