Today is a joyous day, full of wonder and hope and commercialism. Just gotta love all that pink and red falling through the air, husbands and boyfriends rushing for the perfect gift at the Kwik-Trip, and all those sad, lonely girls who say they hate Valentine’s day.
I don’t personally hate Valentine’s day. I mean, I don’t love it, but if you try hard enough, you can find happiness. Last year, due to my persistence, I happened to have 16 Valentines, and that was loverly. This year, though I’ve dressed like a trampy red and pink hot version of cupid with killer good looks and some really fun candy, I have none (so far).
Which is why the beginning of this blog post is so important (as you can prolly see by the title).
I need to ask a very important question, and it’s just gonna be the best thing ever! Lexi, dear, my WordPress Wifey, I feel as if you need a grand gesture.
Actually, I feel as if you need five, so, we’re going to do the list of five right before we do the political stuffy-stuff.
FIVE GRAND VALENTINE’S DAY GESTURES
1. Say you LUUURRRRVVVVEEEE them. To just say ‘I love you’ or ‘I really care’, is sooo cliche and over the top, so what you have to do is add a semi-British accent and basically drool your luurrrvvee onto their laps. Eww, that sounds nasty, but you guys get my drift. Lexiiiiiii, I LUUURRRRRRVVVEEE you!
2. Buy them a Zebkey. You know, a Zedonk, a Zonkey. A Donkbra. Who doesn’t want one? I mean, have you seen how damn cute they are? Ohh, you haven’t?
This little guy just makes whoever receives him go:
“Get in my pants, right here, right now. No, not you, Zebkey, I mean the person who gave you to me. But you’re so cute, gootchie gootchie gooooo!”
This image of a Zebkey is my gift to you.
3. Tell them you don’t need to have sex with them on Valentine’s day, but if they wanna, you’ll do whatever. Just be open, free, looser than your mother after birthing you. No, wait, not that last one, the last one is wrong.
Though my sexual prowess is renowned through all 57 and a half states (I’m right, shut up), I’m giving you a choice, dearie. 😉
4. Take back that awkward moment when you just proposed having sex with your WordPress Wifey who is also a total stranger. Because, honestly, you’re trying to be their Valentine, not their creepymccreepertine. That’s only for Halloween.
Okay, sooo…yeah, just…uhmm…sorry. 😉
5. Link their blog. Not just once, but twice. Or maybe three times.
No variation, but here’s the thing, if you click any one of those links…you may just fall in love. This is a hopeful promise and a desperate warning.
So, Lexi, my WordPress Wifey, my beautiful Wisconsinite who shares my views on life, love, and the end of the world by Sharks and Eels…Will you be my WordPress Valentine?
(If not, there may be some tears and some axe-murdering going on, so you know, it’s your choice…either you be my valentine or hundreds of people will die. Hahahahahahahaha, half kidding <3)
On to more serious matters now.
In a recent study, one in eight voter registrations have errors. Based on a report filed Tuesday, around 24 MILLION voter registrations in the US have HUGE errors, such as maybe…1.8 million people who are dead still included on the rolls, and more than that approved to vote in more than one state. Researchers believe that this is not fraud, simply outdated systems. Yes, and I’m the pope. Come on, people, get real. There’s always going to be conspiracy, and people are always going to be working behind our backs. My guess? 12 million of those errors are either purposeful flaws or spies placed by the government. You may say, Telea, aren’t 1.8 million of those people dead, and won’t that impact your figures? My answer? If the government can hide the larger percent of corporate corruption, it can most CERTAINLY hide its Zombie army.
In Chattanooga Tennessee, evacuations took place in an industrial area after the discovery of an ammonia leak. This leak was reported shortly after 5am today. See how quickly I get the news, kids? Okay, so you said to evacuate? No. Not a chance. I’m gonna just pour some water on the ammonia and get my spring cleaning done.
The New Jersey Senate has okay’d Gay Marriage in face of a veto. The vote came in at 24-16 in favor of the bill. I have nothing funny to say about this, I just wished to express my happiness.
Okay, I’m done now.