Okay, so, humour that appeals to all ages, huh? It just doesn’t exist, but I do happen to be moving towards a slightly more mature take on comedy, and you’re going to have to bear with me here, because I’m not good at changing.
Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi’s son was apparently put under house arrest with no access to the outside world. Saadi Gadhafi had promised to make no trouble, which was followed almost directly by a promise to the satellite news network that ‘a new, popular uprising’ was brewing in his home country. To this I say, come on, dude, couldn’t have waited a little longer? I mean, I don’t think people were really all that surprised by this. Maybe if you had waited a few years or…well, actually, maybe if you just hadn’t done anything…it woulda worked out for you. I mean, different lifestyle choices are probably a good idea. After all, dictatorship isn’t for just anyone.
A deaf Pakistani girl was locked in a UK Cellar for nearly a decade, reports Fox News. The woman, finally found, reported to the courts that she had been raped and beaten for nearly ten years, and used as a virtual slave to one Ilyas Ashar and his wife. The couple was accused of false imprisonment, human trafficking, sexual offenses, violence, and benefit fraud. Both have pleaded not guilty to the charges. How do you plead not guilty to that?
Well, one possible defense is: She’s deaf, how would she know? Another is: We thought it was still the middle ages, sooo…that’s legal. One final shot in the dark could be used by the Pakistani couple saying: We didn’t have sex with her, and that’s our daughter.
A british man was arrested recently on charges of animal cruelty after being accused of frying a hamster. Authorities report that they reported to the scene after reports of ‘disorderly conduct’ and ‘drunken behavior’. They then found the creature lying dead in a frying pan on the man’s stove. First off, how does this make top news? Why am I discussing this? Because Denise Young, a spokeswoman for the animal welfare charity Blue Cross, said
“This is a horrific and tragic incident for both the poor hamster and the owner concerned. We hope that this case is taken as seriously as it deserves to be by the relevant authorities.”
So wait, a ton of people die in the world and you’re…blabbing on about a fried hamster? Damn, you must really hate rednecks, because the way I hear it, they eat Squirrels every morning for breakfast. To quote Seth Green in ‘Without a paddle:
An Air New Zealand Plane carrying 274 passengers was quarantined after landing at Auckland Airport carrying children with flu-like symptoms. After a few hours, all passengers were released, with assurance from Japan that it was their flu season. Or, you gave them bad peanuts. I mean, if they’re free, who provides that? My best guess is that those peanuts so many passengers adore are the leftovers from downtown bars and strip clubs. Another explanation is that your pilot is really bad at his job, and the turbulence created some airsickness.
Extreme winter weather has been hitting Europe recently. Rare snowstorms and ice storms have trapped people inside their cars, stopped trains, and shut down many other public transport systems. Of course, according to a report of one College student who exchanged to Scotland, if there was a quarter of an inch of snow, you’re weren’t going anywhere. What do the people of the world who actually experience winter say? Serves you right for gloating about your fair weather, bitches! Out here, we’re enjoying a light and breezy 30 degrees, so suck it!
That’s my news for the day, so on to the list of five.
Five things guys should never, EVER do to women.
1. Never scream at us over the phone. We’re supposed to be the over-emotional jackweeds that make your days suck. However, this is preferrable to those times when you make your voice go really low and you sound like a cross between a therapist and a serial killer.
2. Don’t mess around with our faces. I mean, yeah, a couple of gentle strokes is okay, wiping away my tears is fine, but trying to make me look like a monkey or deform my face into a meme will actually end in a situation where you’re the one who’s forever alone.
3. Don’t go to your ex’s house without talking to us. If you don’t tell us about it, we assume you’re cheating, if we assume you’re cheating, you’re fucked, and that’s not in the good way.
4. Don’t instigate sexting. I mean, yeah, you may think it’s kinda whorish if we start, but really? I don’t need to see a picture of your dick, and especially when you haven’t exactly maintained upkeep on the netherregions.
5. Don’t talk sports while you’re making love to me. I mean, generally, don’t start a conversation while having sex, but sports, really? Especially if you’re applying baseball to your love life.
“He’s rounding second, steals third, and it’s a direct home run! Man, that was great hun, I can’t wait until we play football and you tackle my ass.”
Are you gay?
Okay, love ya!