Wow, yeah, you’re fucking cool. (Did you catch the sarcasm?)


Let’s talk. I mean, let’s have a serious chat. Let’s unleash all of these feelings that we have been holing up inside of us.

I feel as if I wanna know something from you.

WHAT TO DO! Oh my god, I have run into a block, and these last few posts have been completely uninspired. Help me. Critique me. DO SOMETHING, PLEASE!

We’re gonna try something new. News blurbs!

Tonight, Jennifer Hudson will be singing at the Grammy’s to commemorate the life and accomplishments of Whitney Houston, who passed away rather unexpectedly yesterday. Yes, because though she was a pop idol and really fucking cool, we also want to talk about how many drugs she took.  We want to make all the cliche jokes about how her death was an OD, and completely skip the chance to make a joke about how maybe she just really didn’t want to deal with the fucking Grammy’s this year.

The Syrian army has been using detained civilians as human shields, says CNN. 23 innocent bystander were killed on Sunday. So wait, you’re freaking out now because people that weren’t enlisted in the army were killed? You’re saying that people who are bystanders that get killed are of more importance than the people in the army? Or are you just angry because those people that got killed were on your side? Maybe if you would get over yourselves and stop killing each other…then people would stop dying.

Tired of playing regular, non-web-based monopoly? Good news, you techie freaks, Hasbro (maker of My Little Pony and Monopoly) recently announced that they had signed a contract with Zynga (Makers of Mafia Wars, and Farmville) to produce Farmville-opoly, the classic game of monopoly mixed with those endearing fake cows and crops you’ve loved for so long. My question…why didn’t you do Mafia-opoly? Or maybe, just maybe, you guys could spend five minutes thinking up new game ideas and stop re-doing the same game with different pretty little pictures? Yes, we all know it’s a best-seller, but…we’re done now.

Everyone loves Siri. Siri is everyone’s best friend. We all talk about Siri, we all wish we were Siri. Why? Siri knows all, everything! The new frontiers of AI technology are just stunning! But…shouldn’t we be worried? You have just created a technology that recognizes your requests and then solves your problems. Has no one thought maybe, just maybe…we’re all gonna die?

Is nail art the new lipstick? Celebrities and others have been improvising with styles recently, from the bejeweled to the zebra, it’s all the rage. But why is this catching on so fast? Is it the fact that anyone, no matter how fat or how skinny, can have nail art, because everyone has fingernails? Or, is it another excuse to indulge in ridiculous, spendy ordeals to make you ‘prettier’ while the rest of the world starves?

A new study has come through that kids with depression are more likely to get ignored or bullied. They say that because the kids are sad, or quiet, or will cry more easily, people are less likely to hang out with them and they are more likely to get picked on. This is a third theory, preceded by ‘the bullying came before the depression’, and ‘the two problems go hand in hand’.  So, you just spent millions of dollars on studies for Psychologists to say: ‘maybe it’s not this, and maybe it’s not this, could it be this?’. Also, it’s a duh. I mean, who befriends the kid sitting in a corner literally crying over spilled milk? Maybe, if you would think a little, you could understand that a possible cause of depression is everyone’s  ‘yeah, the world is totally fucked’ attitude. Maybe you should tell the kid’s parents to stop fighting. Maybe, you should stop for a minute, decide if you would take time from your narcissitic, selfish lifestyle to ask someone if they’re okay (at 10 years old, no less), and then move on. No, depressed kids aren’t bully magnets, anyone who is socially different is a bully magnet, but that’s okay, since in the current age, we can project that just about everyone will be depressed or dead within the next 100 years. Thanks, human nature, we love you too.

Okay, well…that was an effort, at least.

List of five.

Five things about being pregnant that I’ve always wanted someone to say to me (or about me).

1. “I’m pregnant, it’s yours.” That would be so funny. Like, honestly, what chick wouldn’t be rolling around on the floor laughing? What kind of situation could I possibly have gotten myself into to warrant that kind of sentence?

2. “Pregnant this young? What a shame. When are you due, hun?” This one is funny, because it’s happened. Some people are just really gullible. Wear pigtails and innocent clothing, stick out your belly, and spend half an hour in a maternity store, and I can guarantee you that you’ll get hits.

3. “I bet the father is black.” I really don’t have an explanation for this one. It’s just the perfect mix of racism and assumptions that would just make me have a hard time deciding between boiling anger and spurts of laughter.

4. “I wonder if she’s faking it.” This was also said about me. It was true. I want it to be said about me in a loud whisper from the other room at my baby shower when I’m 30 days from popping the little guy out.

5. “Did you ever consider an abortion?” This would come right after the person in question telling me the father was not attractive, and that they thought the baby would be fat or have a hairlip.

Okay, sorry for not being funny.

Love ya.

Advertisements

About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

One response »

  1. I love the 5! Too funny. (:

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: