Excuse me, you’re fucking stupid. Thanks, bye.


Okay, so I went to the doctor today, and everyone was all like,

“Ohh, I wonder what she has.”

Because that’s what people do when you go to urgent care instead of making an appointment. Our reasoning? Our doctor is farrrr to busy to ever see to us, so in order to get the care we need, we need to pose like we’re dying of AIDS or just got shot in the head. That’s what urgent care is supposed to be about, right???

No, ma’am (or sir)! Urgent care in my town happens to be a ton of old ladies with coughs and then a couple of babies turning blue, a couple of people who say they got stabbed but really just fell on the sharp end of the sprinkler, a couple of rapists who thought this was the free clinic, a ton of college students with nothing better to do, and me. Yeahh, so this is the part where I explain to you that if you were really interested in my life, you could just go back and look at the blog post before this to figure out exactly why I was in urgent care. Since you’re not…here’s a recap.

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN SLIP OH OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT FALLING NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE BAM JUST LANDED SCREAMING PAIN THROUGH MY BACK STUPID FUCKING BUS STUPID FUCKING LIFE THERE GOES COLLEGE FOOTBALL WAIT I DON’T PLAY FOOTBALL OW OW OW OW OW OW OW DYING PUPPY NOISES FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT ON MY KNEES GET TO BUS FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Yeahh, that’s pretty much the story of my life. In case you were a little confused by the “Shit on my knees” portion, that’s actually one of those things where if I had bothered to use a comma, it wouldn’t look like I had some weird kind of fetish that would make someone run screaming from me. Like my sister, who just so happens to be on the road to being a serial rapist. My reaction?

I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!

If you’re curious as to what I’m referring to, I would like to refer you to my little sister’s blog, who only started this blog because she totally idolizes me and reads my blog every day (ahem, unlike SOME people we know), and now with her competitive spirit wishes to crush my hopes and dreams.

http://www.whenallthepetalsfall.wordpress.com

Okay, cooooooolllll bananas!!!

LIST OF FIVE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

How to lay the smack-down on someone less powerful than you (without getting in trouble). SO this is basically how to bully people.

1. Pretend you’re weaker than them, Then, if this person who is less powerful than you gets hurt, you can be all like, HEY, WAIT! They’re bigger than me, and it was in self-defense. So, when you punch them in the face, kick them three times hard in the nether-regions, break their best friend’s neck in front of them and then bite off all of their fingers, you’ll just start crying and say:

“They came at me first!”

This can also play in reverse. If they appear weaker than you and then they kick the shit out of your face, you can play the:

“I was defenseless, and I was just trying to defend my honor. Mommyyy, help me!”

2. Just hurt them through anonymous texts, practical jokes, and other things that can’t tie you to the scene of the crime.

3. Attack them from behind in a deserted alleyway and RIP THEIR FUCKING EYES OUT before they know who it was who attacked them.

4. Have your friend do it. Hey, if you’re too scared to do the crime, lay it all on the other guy. It works out perfectly!

5. This last one is a long shot. Here’s what you’ll need.

  • A dozen midgets
  • A pair of binoculars
  • Some paper
  • A writing device
  • The addresses of all the midgets involved.

Send letters to the midgets that say they’re from the person who you want to beat up. Sit on the roof of the building near where the smack is gonna be laid down with binoculars. Watch while the midgets track down the person and beat the shit out of them with their midget powers. MIDGET POWERS ENGAGE!

Okay, so I’m done.

Love ya!

 

About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

One response »

  1. Okay, I totally just laughed until I cried… Your a total baller!! But Serial Rapist is wrong… You have to add baby eater too 😉 And grandmother pimp! SHIT NEW BLOG IDEA! Do not even think about utilizing my new source of funny! Haha LOVE YOU!! ❤ thanks I liked your shout out… I think it got em views… Cause your totally a view goddess! ❤

    Reply

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