I’m only getting started!


That is my current favorite song. Jussayin’

Today is going to be one of those annoying advice blogs where I take something that I have some knowledge on (Between absolutely nothing and total pro) and give you advice like I’m a pro. Except the advice is terrible, and you should never, EVER follow it, okay?


Ohhkay, soooo, as you might have already guessed (God knows how, but you may have), we’re gonna talk about proper fapping techniques…kinda.

1. Never go too fast. It kills the moment and causes severe chafing. Also, never go too slow, it’s boring, and could cause severe chafing.

2. Never fap to a picture of your girlfriend/boyfriend/crush/date tonight/mom/dad/brother/sister/cousin/husband/wife/dog/pet of any kind/favorite actor/favorite actress/least favorite porn etc. Also, never fap to waterfalls, subway trains, gorillas, google image searched penises, someone with a disease, or your best friend. Think you’ve run out of things to fap to?

3. DO fap if…well-shot free internet porn, the idea of a little slap and tickle, the celebration of your birthday, the celebration of nightfall, the celebration of morning, the celebration of getting into bed, the celebration of getting out of bed, the celebration of waking up to pee, stubbing your toe, singing a song on pitch, singing a song off pitch, the idea of fapping to any above listed items, celebration of going to school, celebration of switching classes, celebration of having to take a poop, celebration of having taken a poop, celebration of flushing the toilet, hot girl winked at you, hot girl spit on you, hot person passed you in the hallway, hot person existed, celebration of facebook, hot people on facebook, funny people on facebook, pornographic people on facebook, laughing at the elimination of myspace, what you saw on Tumblr, what you posted on Tumblr, what you reblogged on Tumblr, your shoes are cool, your shoes are uncool, you’re on a boat, you’re in a car, you’re having sex with your significant other, you just ate a sandwich, you moved your left hand in a waving motion, you waved at someone, when someone says your name, memebase, YOUR PHONE JUST VIBRATED, you just used your phone as a vibrator, that person’s laugh sounds good on your eardrums, you liked that music, you went on youtube, every time you clicked a link, every time you pressed the like button, every time you smelled a good scent, every time you smelled a bad scent, every time you sent a text message, every time you touched something, every time you considered suicide, every time you heard about someone dying, every funeral, every wedding, every assembly, every school day, every weekend, every time you have to go into work, every time you yawn, salt on your food, eating in general, public transportation, watching a happy movie, watching a sad movie, and after you fapped.

4. Don’t let your parents or significant others walk in on you fapping. Just don’t do it. Don’t fap in the same room as your brother/sister, even if they’re sleeping.

5. Live your fap. May the Fap be with you. Happy Fapping Birthday, Happy Fapday, Supercalifappilicious expialifappious, want a fappucino with those fap fries?

Okay, I must go.

Love ya!


About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

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