Okay, so, you’re snuggling fondly with a member of the sex you happen to be attracted to.
Then boom! One of you kisses the other.
Then BOOM! You’re just full-on snuggling/making out and it is GOOD.
Today, we will start out with a list of 5 things that could potentially ruin this perfect moment.
1. You or your partner’s breath smells like ass. Who wants to kiss an ass? I mean, that’s what a rimjob is for, but REALLY. Just brush your teeth or chew a piece of gum, okay? I want a fresh and tasty mouth, not a mouth that tastes like the garbage outside a Burger King.
2. You or your kissing friendy rips a big one. Yeah, so you’re just sitting there making out, then you shift a little and…BLARRRPPPP! I don’t care if your breath is as fresh as sunshine, sunshine, you’ve got a problem.
3. Your partner literally pukes into your mouth. Now, mark you, this will rarely happen, and when it does, you better just bail, but you spent so much time making your mouth kissable, and then they just….blergghhh. I’m sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
4. Boogers in your nose. Okay, so you’re making out…and you look down…pull away a little, and notice a HUGE booger hanging outta their nose. Ick, what if that had somehow traveled down your nose, and into my mouth? The chances were at least 50/50, but you didn’t think of that when you didn’t even do a little bit of nostril hygiene before you began harrassing my face with your lips. By the way, if I get sick, you’ve just ruined my life.
5. Our last one is devoted to a certain group of people: The overs. You know, over-salivating, over-extending tongue, over-lipbiting (ouch), over-everything. You need to just STOP! To add to that, if you have braces, and you suck face HARD, there’s gonna be blood. Trust me. Just lighten up. If your partner is lightly pulling in the other direction or stopping to wipe the spittle (YOUR SPITTLE) off their chin, you’ve gone TOO far.
Now, the scenario is that you didn’t expect to be kissed today, so you just went all out on the extra pickles and Jalepenos on your Subway. Then, outta nowhere swoops the guy you like and he wants to take you to the movies.
SHIT SHIT SHIT, WHAT DO I DO?
Calm down, this is a simple remedy. Use these sentences to get outta a smelly situation.
1. Can we go get some candy first? (use this as an excuse to buy gum.)
2. I have to go to the bathroom before the movie. (Wash your mouth out with soap)
3. My herpes is flaring, soooo…this is casual right? (ONLY UNDER SEVERE CIRCUMSTANCES!)
4. I want to take this slow (Ughh, you have just subjected yourself to sweaty handholding and uncomfortable glances for the rest of the movie)
5. Get the fuck out. (Obviously, you really don’t like him that much.)
Okay, that concludes the blog for today! 9/15, baby!