Monthly Archives: January 2012

I’ve got Skittles in my mouth, wanna get a rainblow?


I’ve gotten a little bit of feedback recently from a few of my readers, and I would like to address this before it’s too late.

A few people have sent me messages saying…

“Don’t you think your blog is a little inappropriate?”

and

“You’re 17 years old, and you’re blogging very sexually. Do you think this is good for your future?”

and

“You’re hott, can I tap that?”

Okay, okay, so that last one I sent to myself, and to respond to all of these questions…

Yes, I do think my blog is a little [bit of a lot of] inappropriate, but come on, I’m a TEENAGER! The thoughts going through my head are as follows.

sex sex sex music sex music school sex sex sex sex fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap sex sex music homework hangout party movies sex sex sex sex sex.

True story. Speaking of sex, we just faked my friend’s death with this Spanking Shakespeare thing, and the results were…ridiculous.

World-renowned Locomotive Engineer Kade Louis Antczak died today in a hospital in Prairie Farm. Doctors are still unsure of what exactly caused the death, but believe it was due to complications after Kade Louis Antczak came too fast and suffered pains in his dick. He was 69 years old.

 Kade Louis Antczak was a shitty person, who enjoyed everything about life. He was known for his passion for Tacos, which he often ate 21 times a day. He loved to share Tacos with everyone, and would even offer Tacos to strangers. Kade Louis Antczak also enjoyed traveling, especially to historical landmarks, and loved meeting people around the world. On his trip to Austin, Texas he even met the president (and yes, he offered him Tacos). After meeting him, Kade Louis Antczak said the President was glorified.

 Kade Louis Antczak is survived by his partner Telea, their 14 children, and their pet Pushmi-pullyou named Kawit.

 

Well, that was awkward. Now you know THAT story. If you would like to generate your own death, the link is…

http://www.randomhouse.com/teens/spankingshakespeare

In response to the other two questions…

The world is a very sexual place, and the thing is, the tolerance for sexual behavior…well, let’s just say everyone is getting stupider, mmmkay?

To the third question: Yes, me, I’d do me anytime. *Winkyface*

Let’s move on to pressing business. Music.

This song. THIS SONG!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8y0w91ehIo

I, admittedly, was watching an episode of Pretty Little Liars when I heard this, but it really doesn’t matter where you heard the song as long as you found it and fell in love with it.

I would just like to say that I am a huge music freak and I pretty much orgasm when I find good music, sooo…awkward.

My list of five today is titled…

“Situations that everyone thinks are awkward, but really aren’t that awkward.”

1. When someone makes a dick joke and it was totally gross. Everyone gets real quiet and goes

‘That was just too far’

But was it, was it really? Well, NO. Lay off your pretentious behavior and just laugh, because you know you wanna.

2. Running into your ex with another person in public. You may be going…

‘Ohh damn, I had really hoped not to see him/her/it and his/hers/it’s FAVORITE restaurant, and now it’s awkward.’

I would just go right up to that Sexy SOB and congratulate him/her/it. It’s all good. We’re just people, ya know? Trying to live our lives.

3. When someone you don’t like starts talking to you on facebook and you are forced to make awkward conversation.

I have three words for you right now.

Block that bitch.

4. When you’re about to kiss someone and you realize they either have bad breath or a terrible kissing habit (such as drooling). You’re freaking out going:

‘I don’t know what to do! I really like him/her/it, but this breath is bad. Should I offer them a breath mint?’

Just full out pull away, drag them to the bathroom, and run scalding water over their face. It’s not awkward because it’s for their own good.

5. You accidentally had sex with your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend/itfriend. You’re freaking out, like…

‘Oh my god, they’re gonna kill me, and every time I see their bf/gf/if, it’s gonna be really awkward.’

Nooooo, just stay chill and start laying out the groundwork for a threeway. Done.

Okay, that’s it for today, love ya!

I’m only getting started!


I WON’T BLACK OUT!

That is my current favorite song. Jussayin’

Today is going to be one of those annoying advice blogs where I take something that I have some knowledge on (Between absolutely nothing and total pro) and give you advice like I’m a pro. Except the advice is terrible, and you should never, EVER follow it, okay?

SWEAR ON YOUR LIFE YOU WILL NEVER FOLLOW MY ADVICE!

Ohhkay, soooo, as you might have already guessed (God knows how, but you may have), we’re gonna talk about proper fapping techniques…kinda.

1. Never go too fast. It kills the moment and causes severe chafing. Also, never go too slow, it’s boring, and could cause severe chafing.

2. Never fap to a picture of your girlfriend/boyfriend/crush/date tonight/mom/dad/brother/sister/cousin/husband/wife/dog/pet of any kind/favorite actor/favorite actress/least favorite porn etc. Also, never fap to waterfalls, subway trains, gorillas, google image searched penises, someone with a disease, or your best friend. Think you’ve run out of things to fap to?

3. DO fap if…well-shot free internet porn, the idea of a little slap and tickle, the celebration of your birthday, the celebration of nightfall, the celebration of morning, the celebration of getting into bed, the celebration of getting out of bed, the celebration of waking up to pee, stubbing your toe, singing a song on pitch, singing a song off pitch, the idea of fapping to any above listed items, celebration of going to school, celebration of switching classes, celebration of having to take a poop, celebration of having taken a poop, celebration of flushing the toilet, hot girl winked at you, hot girl spit on you, hot person passed you in the hallway, hot person existed, celebration of facebook, hot people on facebook, funny people on facebook, pornographic people on facebook, laughing at the elimination of myspace, what you saw on Tumblr, what you posted on Tumblr, what you reblogged on Tumblr, your shoes are cool, your shoes are uncool, you’re on a boat, you’re in a car, you’re having sex with your significant other, you just ate a sandwich, you moved your left hand in a waving motion, you waved at someone, when someone says your name, memebase, YOUR PHONE JUST VIBRATED, you just used your phone as a vibrator, that person’s laugh sounds good on your eardrums, you liked that music, you went on youtube, every time you clicked a link, every time you pressed the like button, every time you smelled a good scent, every time you smelled a bad scent, every time you sent a text message, every time you touched something, every time you considered suicide, every time you heard about someone dying, every funeral, every wedding, every assembly, every school day, every weekend, every time you have to go into work, every time you yawn, salt on your food, eating in general, public transportation, watching a happy movie, watching a sad movie, and after you fapped.

4. Don’t let your parents or significant others walk in on you fapping. Just don’t do it. Don’t fap in the same room as your brother/sister, even if they’re sleeping.

5. Live your fap. May the Fap be with you. Happy Fapping Birthday, Happy Fapday, Supercalifappilicious expialifappious, want a fappucino with those fap fries?

Okay, I must go.

Love ya!

My life be like…”Honestly, you need to knock it OFF!”


Okay, so I am just stumped, and this is NOT a good thing in any respect. I need to blog, need you guys to love me, and all I happen to have is some corny old pick-up lines, a cold ass, a bruised ego, and a couple of really really pestery sores by my mouth (Thank god it’s NOT Herpes).

Speaking of Herpes, I’ve decided to share some really gross information with you. It seriously disturbs my life, and I’m really really glad that I don’t have eyeball sex with people, because THIS is what happens.

Herp-derp, I would NOT like to be this sad homosapien's significant other.

 
Mooooving right along, considering that no one REALLY wants to look at eye-herpes. LET’S LOOK AT DICK HERPES INSTEAD!
 
“No, Sally, I was joking, I really don’t want to look at explicit photographs depicting diseases of the penile extension.”
 
Let’s actually spend a brief moment discussing how sad it is when ridiculously attractive men/women have herpes.
 
What, you don’t think they do?
 
Uhh well, they do. EVERYBODY can get herpes, so you need to knock of the idea that perfect people can’t have diseases. WE’RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU!
 
I mean…hem hemm…
 
So, I figure if I don’t try at all…you guys will still love me, because the truth of the matter is…if I’m funny, you love me, no matter if my blog post of the day was only five words long. No, but honestly, I wouldn’t do that to you, because that’s just rude. I mean, who takes all the time to go through CIPA-Filter, log in, click on ‘Posts’, click on ‘Add New’, think of a title, and then just slap five words on there?
 
ASSHATS, THAT’S WHO!
 
So, today’s list is a list of five fivetoten-word sentences/blog titles that I would use if I was actually going to be that cruel.
 
1. Were you aware that I pooped today?
 
2. What am I made of? Spunk and Vaginal Eggs.
 
3. Honestly, you need to knock it OFF!
 
4. I’m not wearing any underwear (A True Story)
 
5. Party in my pants! GET THE FUCK OUT!
 
 

Things we do when we have nothing to do (A.K.A FIRST HOUR STUDY HALL FTW)


I. Work. Hard.

I. Hardly. Work.

Depends on the day. Today, since it’s the very first day of second semester, and instead of Chemistry first hour (Little early in the morning, even for THAT! (Implied winky face)), I happen to have Study Hall, where Chemistry can still go down, but in a more openly implied sexual manner. Juusssstt kinda-sorta kidding!

Okay, but here’s the thing. I need to get some shit OFF MY CHEST, and talk about the things I do, when I have NOT SHIT to do. Like, right now, writing on my blog, except that’s actually something I feel as if I have to get done…even though I really REALLY don’t!

Before beginning another of my oh-so-funny lists that you guys all love oh-so-much, I want to thank all four of the people that liked that one blog post full of non-original ideas and porn-based SOPA ideas. That was a cool thing and totally gave me faith in my ability to please people (Though I already know I do that with a large amount of talent and vivor!).

Now, for the list of five things I happen to do when I’m bored shitless (annndd, if you’ve read my previous blogs, I actually happen to LIKE pooping).

1. I sing. Loudly and not always so greatly. I love it. You guys may throw things at me, and I can only hope one of those things is half a big-mac because I’m gonna be a starving artist when I grow up, and I don’t care if it’s red meat!

2. I call people. Like, legitly, I scroll through my contacts list and troll the shit outta anyone I would enjoy talking to if they actually had the fucking decency to pick up the goddamn phone. I mean, really, I’m TELEA FUCKING DODGE, you ANSWER THAT PHONE, child!

3. I watch really dumb TV. A LOT. Like, honestly, I’m sitting at home, lalalalala, nothing to do, okay then, let’s just spend three hours watching reruns of Greek on Netflix. That sounds like a GRRRREAT idea!

4. I try to make plans with my bestie. She’s the shit, and I love her, and seeing her beautiful face transports me from boredom to bonerdom in about -5.785690 seconds. That basically means that I get a boners 5.785690 seconds before I even see her face. It’s like a spidey-sense.

5. I fap. Fap fap fap. Fappity-fappity fap fap fap. What am I doing? I’m fapping! What am I fapping to? Uhmm, well, I think you would find it kind of awkward if I said ‘a picture of you’, so I’m just gonna say…

‘Your porn videos that you made with your ex who, directly after the breakup, posted them on every Free Amateur Pornography site in all of the nine kingdoms’.

Annnd that should suffice for today’s blog.

Love ya!

(F)or those who s(U)pport me, I M(UC)hos Than(K) (YOU)


Obviously, every story has two sides (at least). Every moment, every war (OF COURSE, EVERY WAR!), every experience (good or bad) that you have ever had, had a positive or negative influence that you may or may not have noticed.

Soo, don’t be offended when you read this title. I’m not actually telling you to go fuck yourself…or whatever.

This is how it breaks down (sometimes).

I’m thanking you, and you’re getting sick of reading my blog. Okay, yeah, maybe that’s not true, but at least one of you is going:

“Ohhh god, every time I check my email…I get this stupid-ass blog post from this stupid-ass teenage girl, and it just needs to STOP> However, I am far too lazy to click ‘unsubscribe’, and it would make this aspiring writer feel just TERRIBLE!”

I read you like a book, don’t I? Of course, you may not even be reading this if your opinion is this way.

Our topic of the day, though, is something that has become a topic IN THE EXTREME for the past whoever knows how long.

Everything ███ █████ is █████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government.

SOPA!

Ohhh, you don’t know about SOPA?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_Online_Piracy_Act

There’s a reference.

How did I respond to SOPA?  Just like 895490754705480143972648245 other people.

Lucky for us, they have delayed voting on it. Unlucky for us, it could still happen.

So, here’s a website to write American Senators about it, it’s easy, I did it. Justsayin’

http://www.americancensorship.org/

Annnnddd to conclude this short-ass blog post…the five reasons why SOPA should not EVER happen.

1. I’m told by various people that Wikipedia will not really be all that great after SOPA. I still have a year and a half left of high school, and that year and a half without copy-and-pasting Wiki articles will be HELL!

2. Freedom of Speech, anyone?

3. If this stands for: ‘Stop Online Piracy Act’…does this mean no more pirating music? Because, quite honestly, EVERYONE has a right to music, even ridiculously poor people, and that would RUIN ME. (I haven’t pirated music in over two years, however, so you can just GET OFF MY BACK!)

4.  …What happens to all my nudies? Annnddd, on a related note we go to number 5.

5. Porn? Where’d it go? What can’t I see? Huh? My nightly fap-fap-fappy just went crap-crap-crappy. Ohkay, so not nightly…more like hourly…and I’m not referring to me, but there’s a possibility that I will be one of the destined many to become a porn addict. What will happen to the future me if SOPA stops my porn intake?

Answer:

I’ll wither and die. (And make my own pornos, unless I’m fat and ugly, in which case…I’ll WRITE my own pornos)

Okay, that’s it for the day.

Love ya!

 

A million reasons why…except it’s only five…or six…Just read the damn post, okay?


These past few days have been filled with Tragedy. One of my best friends was in a car accident that put him in critical condition, and the other driver died. Here’s a link to what happened.

http://www.wqow.com/story/16548038/accident-kills-one-in-barron-county

Now, if you read the comments, you can tell that most people who commented knew one or both of the people involved in the car accident (including me). What really surprised me was the malicious nature of one of the commenters.

To Tiffany, Richard was 83, he lived a long life, but he did not deserve to die this way. The reason he was able to live this long is because he was respectful of the driving laws, unlike the YOUTH of today. I can only hope that Matt is put into a position where he can never drive again due to his injuries! This is just another example of a careless youth behind the wheel. He should be charged with vehicluar homicide!
This was posted by one ‘Ted Brown’, and the sheer hatred that you can feel is disturbing. The worst part to me is when he wishes that Matt can never drive again. I mean, who even says that? My friend Matt will live with this for the rest of his life, and he doesn’t need other people telling him he deserves to be crippled.
Okay, well, moving on, because this is all just too depressing…
 
Our topic of the day is…
 
FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE ME QUESTION: WHY?
 
1. Why toe socks? I mean, I understand the idea. It’s like when you’re wearing mittens and you wish that you could wear gloves instead (Yeah, I’m a glove person myself). But the thing is…when I wear toe socks, and then my toes rub against each other, they get sad. You may say:
‘Toes can’t get sad, Telea, that’s RIDICULOUS!’
But the truth is…my toes like companionship, and putting cloth in between them is like sticking a big middle finger (or toe) right in their faces.
 
2. Why Religious Battles? It’s called respecting yourself, your god, and each other’s gods. It’s not about taking up a ‘Holier-than-thou perspective. That is why I choose to stay out of the religious scene. Since I don’t personally have an opinion on ‘which Jesus is the best Jesus’, joining any religious community at this point in my life would be like giving myself (and everyone with a religious affiliation) the middle finger.
 
3. Why the fear of rodents? Yeah, of course, rats and the plague, mice and stealing food. But think about it for a second: The plague came from a certain part of the world where it was totally okay to just shit on the streets. You think the plague ISN’T gonna come of that filth? To me, most rodents are cute and sometimes cuddly, as long as they get their Rabies vaccinations. This is a big middle finger to my mother, who will not let me possess a Dagus. xD
 
4. Why Homework? This is a classic question asked by the masses. I hate homework. I hate teachers who hand out buttloads of homework, and I hate the fact that after a long day of sitting in a classroom, teachers give us the middle finger by sending us home to spend our evenings sitting on our asses struggling over things we may never need to know.
 
5. WHY THE MIDDLE FINGER? What’s so fucking special about it that people said: Ohh, heyyy, let’s just go around insulting people with this finger, and we’ll call it a variety of names including ‘flicking someone off’, ‘flipping the bird’ etc.! This makes no sense to me, so, honestly, you guys need to KNOCK IT OFF!
 
I believe that conclude the blog for today.
 
Love ya!

Everybody loves a winner…if resentment is the same as love.


Now, it’s true that success brings you a lot of things, and in order to achieve success, you usually have to work hard or have a GGGRRRRREEAAATTT idea. It’s also true that on a lot of counts, success = or > Winning. Yeah, so what we’re gonna discuss today is why people resent winners, which I personally feel is pretty obvious. We’re also going to talk about why people resent me (P.S/Spoiler Alert, it has something to do with me being a total winner).

REASONS WHY NO ONE REALLY LOVES A WINNER

1. Winners have a tendency to shove their successes into your face. Who likes gettting the smell of someone else’s victory rubbed on them? That’s like saying, ohhh, I smell decent, not the best, so I’m gonna let the guy who smells the best touch me. Actually, it’s not like that at all, when someone smells good, they have to be near me at ALL TIMES. So, it’s more like…You have 100 dollars. The guy next to you just won the lottery. The guy next to you is your best friend in the whole wide world. You’re trying to support a family of 8, and he’s just a lone dude. Instead of spending that money on things that he needs or lending you a helping hand, he buys an ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN, AND THEN TALKS ABOUT HOW GREAT IT IS THERE ALL THE TIME WHILE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE STARVING. Okay, maybe that’s going a little too far, but I’m just sayin’.

2. Winners are generally either ridiculously egotistical or far too humble. You don’t come across a winner that goes: “Oh, cool, I’m a winner! Now, I’m going to tell everyone once that I won and then move on.” That scenario just doesn’t happen. The two responses you generally hear are…

“I WON, I WON, DIDJA HEAR THAT, SUCKERS? I’M SUPERIOR TO YOU IN EVERY WAY, BECAUSE I EITHER WORKED REALLY HARD AT THIS OR I’M RIDICULOUSLY LUCKY! THAT MEANS MY GENES ARE BETTER THAN YOURS. FURTHERMORE, NOW THAT I WON, I’LL ALSO POSSESS BETTER JEANS THAN YOURS! SUCK IT!”

Or…

“Oh? I won? Well, that’s because so-and-so helped me. This is just reallu lucky. I don’t even know how this – oh, thank you, but I really don’t deserve this…”

Geddit? It’s overkill.

3. Many winners assume that just because they won, now all of their ideas are good. Okay, you had one good idea, you got lucky ONE time. But really, you can’t build a suspension bridge out of lollipops or be the survivor of a parachute-less jump from 2 miles above the ground into an ocean full of pirahnas. It’s just NOT going to happen.

4. Other winners believe that this is the only brightness their life will ever see. “Oh, enter a prize drawing at the local carnival? Uhmm, well, I won that one thing a while back, so I think that I’m not gonna really…do that great.” COME ON, PEOPLE! When it comes to something like that, you can’t lose! Okay, so you may not have won the prize, and you may have spent 5 seconds writing out your name and another 10 writing the correct pronunciation of your name (It’s LeviOhhhhhhsah, not LevioSahhhhhh!) below, but really, you didn’t lose anything, and thinking that just because you got your big win, you can’t ever win again…ridiculous. I mean, look at Mark Zuckerburg…wait, that’s a bad example. Moving on!

5. Everybody thinks that everybody loves a winner, but then they secretly resent the winner AND everyone else because they think that everyone else loves the winner and they’re the only one going:

“Seriously? This guy is a douchebag!”

It’s not true! Okay, some people may love winners, but that is a small percent, especially when you consider that you’re worth 8 people and everyone else is worth half a person (oops, sorry, that’s the winner in me talking)

So, as you can see, not everyone loves a winner, and some people even harbor quite a bit of resentment for them, ifyaknowwhatI’msayin!

THE REASONS WHY PEOPLE RESENT TELEA!

1. I’m a winner.

2. I’m a winner.

3. Win win win. Win, I’m winning, Look, I’ve just won again. Ohh, did I just lose? Nope! That’s just the slight downcurrent before my win. Ever hear of Sir Winsalot from The Legend of Winslin? You know, the one who ended up sleeping with Lady Winsavere? Yeah, that was totally me, on all counts.

4. Must I go further with my winnerness?

5. I’m not really a winner. I just like to say I am. (But you believed me or I at least had you laughing, soooo…I just won. By the way, you just lost the game.)

Okay, well, I’m out of here!

Love ya!