If somehow I managed to die…

I think the first thing that I need to state before we start is that I am absolutely incapable of death. True story. I can’t die.

Don’t believe me? Well, then you’re just a butt, because those who read my blog are supposed to believe EVERYTHING I post without any doubt in their pretty little heads.


“I don’t die and you’re stupid.”


Okay, lemme take that back, process it a little, and then throw it out there again.

“I CAN’T die, and you’re still stupid.”

Let’s move on before I hurt your feeling for real. The topic of the day is actually two things!

Topic number one is CHRISTMAS! (Why it’s completely ridiculous)

Topic number two…Look at the title.

Christmas is a consumer holiday based off of everything wrong in this world. Our countdown to Christmas on this blog is actually a statement every day that I blog on all the reasons why I just hate Christmas.

Actually, that’s an overstatement. I don’t hate. The main problem I have with Christmas is that it turned from this religious thing to this thing about family, and then it transformed after that to a celebration of money and spending it. That’s so dumb! I mean, sure, I love giving and getting presents, but they shouldn’t be about the cost, and you shouldn’t lie that Santa brought them. We are all just pulled into this SCAM and I’m sick of it.

To conclude, I want all the Transformers movies, a 500 dollar Hot Topic or Spencers gift card, a Ferrari California, free gas for the rest of my life, and 1,000,000 hits on all my Youtube videos. Please and THANK YOU!

Oh, since we’re talking about Youtube videos, my sister and I made a mega-legit one…kinda. Here’s the link!

T-Dog got a bad Lady! Skype Date gone wrong!

Haha, sorry for the bad quality, it was filmed on my little shit of a phone.


If I somehow managed to die…these are things I would want to say before I did.

1.) I pooped today.

2.) There are few things in life that are precious, and now there will be one less.

3.) Please don’t eat my corpse.

4.) You could have stopped this. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

5.) Now I finally get to see Ironhide.

If I somehow managed to die and become a zombie or undead creature…these are the things I would want to say to the living.

1.) Does this shirt make me look dead?

2.) I’m sorry I shit on your lawn.

3. Hey, wait, does this mean I don’t have to dress up for Halloween anymore?

4. I pooped today.

5. If you promise not to hit me, I promise not to eat you.

If I somehow managed to die and end up in a heaven for ants…these are the things I would want to say (If I could speak antish)


2. This food is bite-sized.

3. So, really? Your heaven is just the real world without insecticides and with more food? Aim higher next time. Oh, wait, you can’t. Coz you’re an ant.

4. What do you guys call Jesus?

5. I pooped today.

If I somehow managed to die and go to hell…these are the bargains I would make with the devil.

1. Let me poop today.

2. If you give me five more years of happiness and wealth and attractiveness and GREAT SEX on earth, I won’t take your throne.

3. Hey, my shoes aren’t shiny enough, put a little elbow grease in there.

4. Stop kissing my ass and I’ll consider letting you be my understudy.

5. Spend a week with my sister and TELL ME you’re not scared she’s gonna kill us all.

If I somehow managed to die and decompose the way scientists say it’ll happen…these are the things I would say if my jaw wasn’t rotting off.

1. HAH, and all you other suckers believed in Jesus!

2. I don’t wanna go like this, I might get dirty!

3. Oh, you maggot, that tickles!

4. Shoulda gotten cremated.

5. I involuntarily ejected anal waste today.


See you tomorrow, or something!



About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

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