Let’s talk about SEX!

The time comes in young man or woman’s life when they hear about sex, have sex, or walk in on someone else having sex. Of course, you should always be prepared, even if you have no idea in hell what sex even is.

I myself found out about sex when I was a wee tot, around 6 or 7 years old, and basically I discovered that it was the main propaganda in almost everything out there. This changed my life completely. I can’t even begin to describe to you how much The Lion King ended up looking like a porno to me.

Also, the fact that The Lion King is just a cheap knock-off of Hamlet except really cute with cute little animations that are just CUTE. No, I haven’t seen that movie in a while, but the last time I saw it, we discussed sex and Hamlet the whole time and barely paid attention to the actual movie.

Now, the reason why we are actually discussing sex today is that it’s EVERYWHERE, so now it has to be on my blog for everyone to see and judge me on, because that is how life and the internet works, and frankly, that can be kind of cool and kind of scary sometimes. I would like you to note that I’m not really the highly educated sex expert of the century. Dude, not even of the day. In fact, I’m prolly in the lower percentile for my school.


I mean, it’s not like I haven’t seen any porn…I was exposed to Two Girls, One Cup at a VERY inappropriate age.

Before we continue on, I hope you guys have taken the time to go check out my Youtube channel, because it’s pretty legit, and now has A WHOLE SEVEN VIDEOS!

I promise there will be more. In case you didn’t see the link before on my last post, you can view my channel here:


Also, I set up a Twitter account because if I get famous, everyone will want to know exactly where I am or what my poop looked like today. Also, people got super sick of me posting facebook statuses all the time, and so NOW most of those statuses will be on Twitter instead of Facebook. YAY FOR BRANCHING OUT TO THE MOST RIDICULOUS HOST OF SOCIAL NETWORKING EVER!

Now back on topic.

Sex. Sex sex sex sex sxxity sex sex.

What is it?

If you can read this blog, you know what sex is. If not, though, we here at Telea Inc. believe that sex education should be left to your parents. If you have no parents, talk to your health care provider. If you are homeless, you probably aren’t reading this blog anyway. If you are homeless and reading this blog post from the free internet at your local library, well, ask the bum who’s nursing his alcohol addiction that shares a box with you. Chances are that he got kicked out of his house for having an affair with his wife anyway.

So, we’re just gonna make vague sexual references until I get bored or the computer dies or I get really bored.

Sex is like the cherry on top of a cupcake. You don’t need it, really, but the thing is, it’s always a nice surprise. Unless that cherry is just too sweet and you get an upset stomach and this is just a reference to pregnancy.

You may ask:

“What if I’m allergic to cherries?”


I’m sorry, but I would now like to let you know that you are a defect and a waste of air, and the best plan of action would be just to kill yourself now.

Just kidding, just join a work force. We need workers.

But really, if someone is allergic to sexual intercourse, well, I’m really sad for you right now. I mean, not that I know much about it, but I’ve heard it’s a very pleasant experience to have on multiple occasions, whether spaced apart or in very consecutive segments.

Okay, finishing up, I would just like to say that if you are a cool cat (which you totally are), not only will you not be allergic to sex, but also, you will follow my blog (this) my twitter (MLIHeartbeats), my youtube (http://www.youtube.com/user/mylifeinheartbeats/feed?filter=2), my message inbox (poisontheperfect@gmail.com), or my Tumblr (I’ll give you the link later).

Okay, sooo, I love you guys verily much and I want YOU to tell me what you think about sex…

Or something.


“Roses are red, violets are blue, take your fucking pants off.”

About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

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