I’ve got more swag than Mick Jagger and 3Oh!3 combined/The amazing adventures of business and Omegle


Okay, so I wish that I could say that in any absences I’ve had that I’ve been a productive member of society…but I would be lying, and that is so not nice. You shouldn’t lie…ever. So I’m going to use this blog post to honestly tell you all about myself.

My name is Lorenzo Episcapardi Romeo Snailizard Komodo Dragon Haji Rock-hardon Master Luigi Fungus Ramiro.

I love to eat:

Your mom, spinach, babies, bugs, tomatoes, worms, fat chicks, school potater wedges, poop, noses, boogers, airplanes, Germans, aluminum cans, and whale spunk.

The things I hate to eat:

Chocolate, mac and cheese, alfredo, tacos, candy, waffles, french fries, spaghetti, ramen, General Tao’s chicken, chicken LoMein, shrimp, prime rib, steak, chicken, chocolate chip cookies, brats, and boobies.

My favorite quote:

“On your birthday I’m gonna bake myself a cake, buy myself a ton of presents, and wish myself a very  happy birthday. That’s not narcissicm, it’s just awesomeism.”

My favorite day of the week:

Uhh, obviously Wednesday. I like to get my hump on!

HAPPY FUCKING HUMPDAY, BOYS AND GIRLS!

 

– Okay, quite honestly, this blog post was supposed to be published yesterday, and so now I have to decide if I want to do two today or combine yesterday’s post and today’s post, which are two completely different posts. I think combinated sounds about right. –

The reasons why I’m alive:

Because I wish to cause people as much pain as possible, get it on with animals, kill people with a bazooka, seriously maim my family members, eat babies, ruin the environment, go to space and kill all the animals, and become a hardcore right-wing Republican.

The reasons you should want to be like me:

There are none.

Finishing up on this blog post full of lying that was supposed to be all about truth and love and daisies and vaginas and butterflies and unicorns and Hawaii  and killing baby lambs and vacations and hot accents and moms and dads and happiness and dinosaurs and fucking shit up and just  being amazing…I guess we need some humor!

But…since I don’t have any…uhmm, awkward…

THURSDAY BLOG STARTS RIGHT MEEEOOWWW!

So, I recently went on an amazing internet adventure for about the millionth time, but it was by far the most amazing time ever, and Kresha agrees, and I freaking wish I had been all creepery and gotten that guy’s phone number and let’s do the cool picture and THEN we’ll discuss the reasons why I’ll cry myself to sleep in the fetal position for the next month and half. See, here’s something funny. I do a whole shit-ton of run-on sentences to make it appear as if I’m not taking a breath, so I expect you to read it that way, mmkay?

Cool picture…cool picture…lemme think for a second.

Okay, so this is a lame cool picture, but when I first saw it when I first opened my very first email account and it came in a forward from my mom...I loved it, okay???

Okay, so my topic is about Omegling. As most of you know, if you go to this website:

www.omegle.com

You will find a homescreen with three options. The options are:

Chat with a stranger through text.

Video chat with a random stranger.

Spy mode (basically you ask a question and watch two strangers discuss it through text)

So, that’s pretty cool.

Now, Kresha came over last night, and we were all like

HEY DAD, CAN WE OMEGLE? I SWEAR, TELEA IS REALLY GOOD AT RECOGNIZING A DICK BEFORE IT BECOMES UNBLURRY!

Yeah, that’s the downfall to Omegle video. 9/10 people aren’t people, just penises.

Then half of the remainder just want you to take your shirt off.

So, as you can see, it’s really hard to find a decent person to chat with on Omegle.

BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE DID.

We called him Kevin, because we said we wouldn’t use real names because that’s really creepy. He told us he was from London and that he was a DJ, and he was just about THE CUTEST GUY ON THE FACE OF OMEGLE. We legitly talked to him for an hour and half about all sorts of things, and every time one of us left the room he would get all sad-face.

Okay, so I bet you thought that would have been a funny story, but when we had to go to bed and click that terrible disconnect button, all three of us legitly cried. He was AMAZING.

The one person on Omegle I would have given my home address to if I was really dumb, and I just let him go.

Sadface.

OHH KEVIN.

KEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVIN.

Roaawwwrr, now I’m crying like a little baby.

Anywhoo, we also gotta talk about business, so we’re gonna m0ve on before I cry and you laugh at me.

I started a business with my bestest friend Kresha, and it’s green glow in the dark rubber bracelets that SAY OUR SCHOOL’S MASCOT!! Yeahhh!

We’ve sold almost enough to cover the buying cost, which was pricey.

Okay, finishing up with a quote…

“Without life, there is no music. Without music, there is no life.”

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About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

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