“Will work for love. Ready immediately.”


Ohh, that’s kinda cute. Okay, so we have a new half-friendy in the blog world!!! They seem to blog a lot, and I’m amused by them, so I’m gonna stick the blog right here:

http://peacelovedaisies.wordpress.com/

Alsoo, these guys are amazing. So go check them out too. Especially you, Alice!

http://therainbowalliance.com/

It’s kinda fun just to see the simpler side of what I’m doing. As in: Theirs is legit stories of things that have happened to them, and mine are stories inlaid with random facts and dumb things that make people think a lot or generally stop thinking about anything at all.

Okay, so I do have a story to tell today, and it’s really short, and you may or may not but absolutely will get the humor in this. It was so funny.

So, in WWII today, we were looking at a map of Europe with numbers. It looked kind of like this but simpler:

Haha, so, where it says number nine, there's like, criss-cross lines on my map.

My teacher was referring to those lines as hashmarks.

Then he goes and asks:

“So where is this?”

I so cleverly reply with…

“Well, it’s hashmarks, so that must be Amsterdam.”

I just matter-of-factly put it out there like I was serious. The first thing he did was look at the board and say very clearly:

“Uhm, no.”

Then he looked at me, looked back at the board, and looked at me again. Then…he just started laughing. Because

GODDAMN IT, THAT WAS FACKING FUNNY!!!

If you don’t get it, I suggest you stop reading my blog. Before you do, just sit there and think about the kinds of things that coffee shops in Amsterdam might or might not but definately will sell. Okay, if you still don’t get it, get out, right now.

“Get off, get off, I can’t see the weather channel!”

Okay, so it’s cool music Friday! This song is rather old, and it’s a good one. Now, the thing is, you are required to watch the music video with it. Like, absolutely required to do that, because…here’s the thing. It makes more sense. Just watch it. Now, I know this stupid video is like 9 minutes long, but I’m telling you, it’s completely worth it.

If this thing doesn’t work, just youtube search: Little piece of heaven Avenged Sevenfold

Trust me, it’s worth it.

So, the title of today’s blog was actually someone’s facebook status and I found it very cute, so I decided to use it.

I’m such a thief.

The topic of the day is:

Sexual Tension.

Here’s the thing. Once you reach a high school level at our school the air basically generates sexual tension. Everyone wants to have sex, some are scared of sex, some are obsessed with sex but will never have it. Some people have had sex so many times you wonder why they’re not preggers.

But the main problem in our school is that there have been a lot of teen pregnancies. I mean, not a lot, but compared to the number of student in our school: ridiculous.

I’m pretty sure most of the women in our school do not want to get preggers, thus they keep their legs tightly locked. At least, that’s what they say. Our whole area is full of tramps, and I’m really not going to say any names, but I wonder if we’ll have the first strain of a new STD because of some of them.

Then again, there’s the too-pure girls in our school that are so sexually charged that they might explode. It’s a wonder our school hasn’t completely detonated. The way that all the singles drool over any man that happens to rank above a 7 on the hotness scale is almost sad.

The sadder part is that, when it comes to the hotness scale, we don’t have that many true lookers.

Sad even is that I’m one of the droolers. Blehh. STUPID!

Okay, moving on, I have another story to tell you that JUST HAPPENED AT LUNCH AND WAS REALLY WEIRD! Okay, so I drew this picture of this weird thing that we (Aleah and I) decided to call a Meubu. Her name is Phyllis, Queen of the Meubus and she has a puppet-like left-hand man names Matthis the Maribou, who is her key advisor. Now at lunch, Stanley and I were chilling, and we both took our hairs and made whale spouts out of them.

Our DA, Mr. Cool Dude (that’s not his real name, but I think I’ll keep his name a secret) comes up and looks at the picture and then looks at us.

“You guys are like twins.”

He looks at me and goes:

“You can be Phyllis and he can be Matthis, but it would be kind of hard to put him on your left hand, and imagine having to carry him around on your left hand all day.”

I got this terrible image of how Stanley would be on my left hand, and so I started laughing, and then Mr. Cool Dude goes:

“I mean, imagine getting dressed in the morning, or doing your business in the can. Wouldn’t that just be awkward?”

Mr. Cool Dude is a cool dude, is he not?

“I mean really, how would you manage doing your business in the can?”

He decides to say that a few more times and then finally I stop my hysterical giggles long enough to say one thing.

“It’s, ahem, okay, because, ahem, I use my right hand.”

Which sent my entire table into fits of hysterical giggling that lasted forever. Good times.

Ask me about my life, bro.

Anyway, if you have any funny stories, send them to…

poisontheperfect@gmail.com

OR JUST COMMENT BELOW. For pictures and stuff like that, just send it in. We need some more viewer participation here, guys, so I don’t quit on myself and you.

You do realize how hard it is to write a blog five to seven days a week, right?

IT’S REALLY FACKING HARD AND SOMETIMES I JUST GIVE UP ON LIFE BECAUSE IT’S JUST SO RIDICULOUSLY RIDICULOUS AND I WAS ACTUALLY TEXTING MY FRIEND ZACHARY ABOUT THIS ON THE BUS YESTERDAY BUT THAT’S A SAD STORY, SO WE SHALL NOT TALK ABOUT IT!

Good?

Good.

OKAY, so, we’re gonna have more than one quote, because I decided that the theme of the quote would be “Phyllis” and Phyllis Diller is a funny fucker.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

AND MY FAVORITE?

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

– Phyllis Diller

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About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

2 responses »

  1. I think my sex drive went up after high school. It depends on when girls actually like you. They thought I was a trash can most of high school. Now they see me as a father figure who can ease the pain of life. At least that’s what I tell them to think.

    Reply
    • I think that the sexual tension may be based directly on the fact that we’ve all just discovered our sex drives. It’s a little strange, sometimes.
      So I draw. It takes my mind off the fact that on many occasions, I’m a huge part of the sexual tension as well. We’re a small community of sexually driven individuals, and I’m one of the few who dares to admit it.

      Reply

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