I actually got a kinda funny/kinda lame joke sent in (Yay for audience participation!). Here goes. From D. F., the mystery Jokesman.
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
Ohhhkayyy. So, I just reread that, and…waooowww. Did you just randomly google a dumb joke and copy and paste it into an email? Welll, I still appreciate you, no matter how lame that might have sort of happened to be.
Our topic for the day was actually selected at random from a long list of humorous topics, and so I am going to try my best to elaborate on it, though it’s possible that I have no idea what I’m talking about at all.
Our topic is…
How to fail.
This actually seems to be right up my alley, sooo, let’s go.
First, make no effort, because as a great person sometime in recent or very distant times said:
“If you always do a little more than is expected, you will be a success.”
That’s so true, because if you impress someone, they’re gonna love you or give you money. Truueee story. Except if you’re a dirty tramp, then everyone will just wonder where you’re not willing to go sexually.
So, when someone asks you to do something, this is what you do, in steps. We’re gonna give an example.
Mom: Hon, will you do all the laundry in the basement?
Me: Yeahh, sure, mom.
Okay, scenario is SET UP!
Steps to failing are as follows. Now, we’re gonna give you two choices on what to do, the first one is the legitimate fail, as in, the absolute worst things you can do.
1. Go to Laundry Room
2. Sort the clothes the wrong way. (i.e red with whites, jeans with delicates etc.)
3. Use the wrong detergent. (i.e. bleach with darks, shampoo with mediums etc.)
4. Use the wrong setting (i.e. large load with small load, cold cold with something that should be warm cold etc.)
5. Use too much detergent (Come on guys, does this need an i.e.? Oh really? You’re stupid)
6. Boom! You’ve just failed at laundry. Not only have you wasted precious time and money, but your darks will look like they just got out of a fight, your delicates will probably have disintigrated, and your whites will be supporting the ‘real men wear pink’ campaign.
Now, if this seems too extreme, just remember that up to a certain point you can play it off as a few different things…
“I’m sorry mom, I was really tired and my eyes were really blurry, so I messed up.”
“Well, you never taught me how to do laundry, this is your fault.”
“I’m so so so sorry! I messed up, and I feel so bad. I’ll pay you back and maybe you can help me next time.”
Those work like a charm for about…never. Your mother will still be pissed.
The other option for failing is one. simple. step.
1. Don’t do it.
While we’re on the topic of things you shouldn’t do…
“Failing is easy, it’s the failing hardcore that’s hard.”