Our House, and you’re not invited in.


Remember, questions, suggestions, love letters, praise, videos, pictures, stories, jokes etc. can be sent to….TADA! poisonthperfect@gmail.com

Today’s question happens to be…

“Hey Telea,

I read your blog every day and i love itt.. i need a little advice about a boy. go figure..

this boy lives away from me not too far like 7 miles and i like him and he likes me but we never get to see eachother.. we always text once in awhile and theres this party coming up that my friend is having.. and he’s going to club mosaic that night which is in barron in case you havent heard of it.. which one should i go too


– T. A

Well first of all, thanks so much! I really make sure I ramble on and on for the best interest of everyone involved. Everyone loves me <3…I think.

Secondly..ehh, I don’t usually give boy advice, because…well, I’m just too good at it, and if I keep giving advice, then there won’t be any hot available men left for me. Just sayin’.

However, I’m willing to partake in just about anything on this blog, sooo…let’s go.

Now, I have the same situation going on for me, which makes me a little bit a lot of suspicious, but I’m just gonna go treat you like you’re a real person, because that’s what we do here. If your heart is beating, it doesn’t matter what you choose to call yourself…I suppose.

So, my advice is very complicated here, so I’m going to use some visual aids to help make it a little easier to grasp. We’ll also go in steps.

Step 1: Hotness scale.

Does this need a caption? I think not.

 I’d just like to say, that’s a crappy scale, because I made it myself. Like, the scale isn’t bad, the appearance of it just happens to be low quality.

So, the first thing to do is put the guy in question in a place on this scale.

Not: -5

Mildly: 0

Average: 5

Mildly: 6

Attractive: 8

FUCKING HOT (!!!!): 10

Step 2: Personality scale

This one…is even worse

For this one, there’s grey areas in between to pay attention to. So, like, a really nice guy would be in between puke green and nerd green. A kind of rude nice guy would be in between banana yellow and puke green etc.

If the guy doesn’t have a good personality, he’s gonna lose points. Point scale for this one is:
Banana yellow: -5
In between: 3
Puke Green: 5
In between: 7
Nerd Green: 10
Step 3: Party Scale.
Before I put up the scale, I’d like to explain something to all of you. Party scale is not just about how hard the party is going. It’s about projected fun levels, how many people you know, and what mood you’re in. I don’t even think I can put up a picture scale for this, so we’ll go by a four-step point system.
I don’t want to party: 0
I kinda want a small party: 3
I want a nice-sized social gathering: 5
I’m a big party person, let’s get funky: 7
A couple people: 1
Like, 15 people: 3
Like, 50 people: 5
Uhmm, I’m going as many people as we can fit: 10
This one is difficult. For this one, you have to take the pros and cons of both parties and decide which one would be more fun for you.
Everyone is a stranger: 1
I know a few people: 3
Around half: 5
Okay, so you take all this info. Tally the points, and a large amount of points means go to that thing in Barron. A smaller amount of points means pick the other party.
This scale is based on a rager-to-private party basis. If they’re both ragers, just use the man-scales.
Well, I told you it was complicated.
Because I’m lazy, the cool picture is my hotness scale. Made by me. Share it, use it…it’s amazing….
Not really.
“Drink, and dance and laugh and lie,
Love the reeling midnight through,
For tomorrow we shall die!
(But, alas, we never do.)”
~Dorothy Parker

About mylifeinheartbeats

Telea is an aspiring Musician who spends too much time aspiring to be a Writer who thinks she's a Comedian. There's not much more to know, except for everything. Telea has a tendency to not think before she speaks or acts. She enjoys chocolate, long walks on the beach, and talking about herself in the third person. She wants to get to know you, so please send her your Name, Address, and SSN. Telea promises that, though she has indeed committed one count of Lewd and Lascivious behavior (to be tried under a court of law), she is a good person and will not intentionally harm you/expose herself to you/hate you for your stupid perspectives/axe-murder you. Telea believes in the greater good, Nutella, peace, free love for all, and snuggles. She chooses Bacon over you, unless you come bearing bacon. She is a fat woman trapped inside a curvy woman's body. She is not for sale unless the price tag you put on her has something to do with world peace. She will sell herself for world peace. She hopes in the deepest of her heart places that you will enjoy her blog and find reason to follow it. Telea thanks you.

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