Let me first say…
Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts.
Not that I have this obsession with butts, but…oh, god, here I go again.
THERE ARE FUCKING BUTTS EVERYWHERE!
By that, I so do not mean butts for fucking, I just mean…so many butts.
Annndddd, moving forward.
Our first real topic is creepy-mic-creeper-tons that stalk young women and STEAL THEIR FUCKING JACKETS!
Here’s how it goes out here in no-man’s-land.
Five beautiful, amazing, perfect, wonderful, GORGEOUS young women are waiting for their nerdy Asian friend, Brady, to show up at the cabin at which they are all hanging out.
He has no idea where the cabin is, so they go on a walk out the tediously long driveway to wait for him, like good friends do.
They’re just standing on the road, hanging out, showing off their bellies and bras to each other because, come on, when you put a clusterfuck of giggling teenagers who have eaten wayyyy too much chocolate on a road with two flashlights and incredible boredom…that’s what happens.
Suddenly, along comes a noisy truck, which hastens to slow down and ask:
“YOU LADIES ALRIGHT?”
“Yeah, we’re fine.”
He peels outta there like there’s no tomorrow, and it’s no big dealio, right?
Five minutes later, the same truck comes up and slows down again. Now, these girls are sensible young women that know when a creepy older man turns around and creeps on them, they should run for the bushes. So what do they do?
THEY RUN FOR THE GODDAMN BUSHES!
So, he drives away again, only a little bit of a biggie. The ladies are all like, damnnn.
So Lovey had taken her coat off, and it’s just sitting there where they had been standing, and then…
BOOM, HERE HE FUCKING COMES AGAIN, LIKE HE’S SOME KINDA PEDOBEAR!
So, of course, these fine young ladies find a different place to hide. They listen in TERRIFIED silence as this man, nay, this pervie mic-pervbrain gets out of his car, looks around, and then…
FUCKING TAKES LOVEY’S JACKET!
I’m not lying.
Who would take Lovey’s Jacket, really?
Okay, calm down.
So he leaves with her jacket and we TAKE OFF RUNNING down the driveway. Yes, I do realize that I’ve switched the narrative. Emma loses her hat while on the run, and it’s a tragedy.
So we’re crouched behind this pile of tree debris, and Lovey goes:
“I want my fucking jacket. I’m going back there.”
“Wait, Lovey, no, he could come back.”
“Oh, screw it, guys, I’ll go with her.”
This from Sami, who is a total BAMF.
Okay, okay, they took one of the lights. It’s all going to be okay.
So, then, Emma’s like, well, I want my hat, so she follows them, and it’s just Grace and I crouched by this tree.
Next thing we know, there’s this bright light, and we’re like, shiner hicks or something? What is going on? Grace and I are freaking out, and then we get reasonable.
“Maybe it’s the cops.”
We peek out tentatively, and we see one of our flashlights just chilling out there next to three figures standing by this car.
So we head over towards it, and here’s where I make a key mistake in my life.
I walk right up to Lovey, Emma, and Sami, and go:
“What’s going on?”
(The cop is still in his car.)
“You shouldn’t be here, Telea, go.”
Okay, so I walk away and hide in the grass.
That is called aversion of the law, and it is BAD!
Why did I do that?
FUCK IF I KNOW, GUYS, FUCK IF I KNOW.
So, he yells at me to come out and gets all of our names and addresses. Makes us tell the story of why we’re out here, all that jazz. Says to us, the nerve:
“Well, you can’t just be hiding in ditches and not expect someone to call you in for suspicious activity.”
D’fuck did you just say? D’fuck? I’m about to pop a cap in yo’ ass.
No, just kidding, I was just angry on the inside.
So I start talking.
“Well, this guy came back like, 5 times, and we were scared, so we hid. He took Lovey’s jacket, too.”
He kinda just ignores me and goes to call Emma’s mum.
This happens to be the time that said creepy guy SHOWS THE FUCK UP AND HANDS THE COP LOVEY’S COAT LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL.
“Yeah, I was just creepin’ on these young ladies, and I thought I should take a relic, you know, to remind me of how close I got to molesting at least one of them, but now, since this is kinda turning me on, too, you can have the coat.”
So wrong. So wrong.
So then Emma’s mom shows and backs up everything.
Then, very handily, Brady shows, and it’s all good. Meanwhile, we had been standing in the cold while the officer did his report and we watched creepy truck dude drive by like, three more times.
So much for sensibility of the law.
So he gives us this whole lecture and we realize why it was such a big deal.
This is where the blog gets very serious for a moment.
Two young ladies had been wandering around the town near where we were a few weeks ago. They actually happened to be armed with a gun.
You can see how this could make things a little iffy.
Hey, kids, I’m serious when I say:
You don’t fucking play with weapons. You just don’t do it.
Okay, so that ends that story.
Now, for a few amusing pictures of the good times we had.
Okay, so I have tons more stories about last night to tell, but this post is getting damn long, so I’mma end there.
“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”
– Radiohead, Creep